


Citizen Shepard

by ContinuousSpec



Series: Olivia Shepard [6]
Category: Mass Effect
Genre: Canon-Typical Violence, F/M, Family, Friendship, Gen, Implied/Referenced Child Abuse, Implied/Referenced Drug Use, Language, POV Multiple, Past Drug Addiction, Post-Mass Effect 2: Arrival, Romance
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2016-06-13
Updated: 2016-06-13
Packaged: 2018-07-14 21:05:47
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 17
Words: 25,791
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/7190441
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/ContinuousSpec/pseuds/ContinuousSpec
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>Who is Commander Shepard? Well, she is a hero, a savage, a friend, a user, a lover, a great Alliance soldier, and a horrible dancer. It depends on who’s talking about her.</p><p>Story told through multiple perspectives of Commander Shepard's six months on Earth.</p><p>Entry for MEBB 2016</p>
            </blockquote>





	1. Garrus-The Goodbyes

**Author's Note:**

> Long winded thank yous ahead, but I’d like to thank everyone who has helped me figure out this story. I’ve had this idea for so long time; I’m just glad to have it finally out.
> 
> Thank you to AzzyDarling for offering wonderful suggests on the outline.
> 
> To theherocomplex for also going over the outline and betaing several chapters that seriously helped me with how I approached the chapters and the rest of my story. Thank you so much!
> 
> Thank you to Johnny_Suede for reading over several chapters with me and helping me with the grammar. Thank you for the advice on guns and whiskey as well. :P
> 
> And thank you so so so so much to BloomingCnidarians for the banner and beautiful drawing in chapter 8, I absolutely love it.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Thank you to the lovely theherocomplex for betaing this chapter! :)

The _Normandy_ was quiet after Hackett left.  

Even more so as the halls began to empty. Garrus almost had the crew deck to himself.   Thane mainly stayed to his room and Chakwas kept herself busy in the med bay.  

Following the destruction of the Collector base, each crew member had been dropped off at their requested location.  “One last spin around the galaxy tour” as Shepard had put it. Although Garrus could tell, she was just trying to buy more time before she handed herself over to the Alliance.  

First Legion left on its own for the Perseus Veil, then Zaeed, Mordin, and Samara to Omega.  Garrus had said a short goodbye to the mercenary and the doctor. Although the justicar’s insistence that she’d be able to help on Omega gave him a good laugh; two years on that asteroid and he barely made a dent into it.

Then Tali was dropped off with the fleet.  She argued and cursed, but eventually gave in to Shepard’s order. Garrus had done the same; he planned to go to Earth with her, only to receive the same results as Tali through the bickering.

“It’s better this way. We don’t all need to be stuck in an Alliance interrogation room.” Was all she would say to it.  

Next, Kasumi slipped off to Illium, with Miranda and Jacob following.  His goodbyes with them were brief but pleasant.  Although Kasumi last second comment on how she hoped Shepard and him “enjoyed the wine” threw him a bit. Garrus choose to ignore how she found out about that.  

And finally, Grunt was sent on his way to Tuchanka. Garrus could swear Grunt was eyeing his brow plate as he was leaving the ship.  Garrus left Shepard to say goodbye for the both of them on that one.

Now the _Normandy_ would be at the Citadel within the next shift to drop off the rest. Himself included.   

***

Garrus watched as Shepard bent over reports, as she had for the past week.  The room was quiet other than her clicking of her fingers on the datapad.  Garrus was sure he had those reports memorized from the number of times he read them aloud to her to make it was perfected for the Alliance.

It started from her disappearance to her work with Cerberus, the Collectors, the need to send an asteroid into the Alpha Relay, why there were no survivors other than herself, and of course the Reapers that were soon to come.  He could probably give the damn presentation to them if she’d let him.  

“Shit, sorry.” Shepard sighed, finally swigging her drink she’d been whirling around for an hour. “Last night as a free woman and I’d like actually to enjoy it rather than moping over reports,”  she said, with her eyes glued right to the datapad.  

Garrus ended up repeating the words that she didn’t want to hear.  “And you can do that by taking a break. What else can you say? You made the right call.” He must have said this to her varied dozen times over the two weeks.   

“That’s what Hackett said,” she muttered back, eyes still scanning.    

“That’s because he’s right. So am I, for that matter,”  Garrus joked.  

Her lips crept up a little but slowly went back down. “I know I did the right thing, but I shouldn’t have had to make the call in the first place.  I should have realized what was going on.” She paused, taking a deep breath.

Her eyes finally fell from the datapad, but they were filled with anger as she spoke. “My goddamn cloak went down, and I got swarmed. And now a whole fucking colony is gone, because of some rookie mistake.”  

“You saved trillions,” Garrus stated, knowing it wouldn’t help.  

“I know! I know, all right? But for how long? A year? Maybe two? And if the Alliance doesn’t listen?”  She pushed herself up from the couch, running her hand through her hair and pacing around the room. It was a common enough tactic of hers that she used to end conversations she didn’t see the point in continuing.  The Council had been on the receiving end of it enough times. Never him, though.  

Garrus watched as she moved to the desk and reached for the framed dog tags.  She huffed and shoved the frame down, too hard, though, the sound of broken glass filled the room, followed by several muttered curses.  

“You know there are easier ways to get those out,” Garrus called over to her, trying to ease her down.  It was easier to talk around it through joking. She generally liked it that way.    Him too, for that matter.  

“Shut up,” she said as she rolled her eyes at him.  She picked up the glass and threw it in the bin with the frame, followed by careful place the tags back on the desk.  

“You’re only saying that because I’m right,” he pressed.

He could tell she was holding back a smile on that one.  The joking worked.  She began to making her way back to the couch rather than continuing to pace or destroy anything else in the room.  

“For once, at least,” she said with a half-hearted smirk and only somewhat playing along.

Shepard sat down, then rested her head on the back of the couch with her eyes closed. Staying silent until her breath slowed.  “Sorry, I’m being a jackass, I just don’t want to talk or think about this anymore, not tonight.”  She turned her head to look at him, moved closer and pressed her side to his.  Eyes lidded and calmed. “This is where you’re supposed to say, ‘When aren’t you a jackass?’”

He took the chance and looped his arms around her, slowly fluttering his mandibles against her neck, and working his way up.  “Well, I was thinking about helping with the other part instead, the not thinking part, I mean.” _Smooth._

Her cheeks reddened as a smile reached her eyes.  “Yeah, I’d like that,” she drawled and returned the gesture with a kiss. Not something he was used to, but it didn’t mean he didn’t enjoy it when she showered him with them.  

Shepard was a lot more playful he would have expected, but he wasn’t about to complain when she massaged her fingers under his fringe and working her lips up and down his neck.  

Just as he had enough with the teasing with her wandering hands, he pulled her on top of him.  She straddled his leg and let out a laugh that echoed through the room, followed by the normal snorts and giggles that she always tried to cover up around him.  

 _Spirits,_ It may have been only a week, but it had been far too long since he had heard her really laugh like that.  Garrus continued to press for more, with every touch, every nuzzle, and every kiss, because, after tonight, he didn’t know how long he’d have to wait to hear such a wonderful thing again.    

***

Garrus woke as the Citadel came into view. Lights and traffic crowded the overhead window. At, best he had an hour left with her, which Joker confirmed when his voice crackled over the comms.  

“Half an hour to dock, Commander, then off to Arcturus for surrender time. So hurry up with whatever you guys are doing up there.”

Crap, Garrus was packed, but still needed to suit up.  

“Yeah, yeah,” Garrus heard Shepard yell from her desk. She was probably waving at the comms as she normally did. It was a staple of her vocabulary, just as any curse was.

“Shit, and he’s gone again, I swear I just saw the little guy,” Shepard muttered.

“Hamster on the lam again?” Garrus asked as he rose up and rolled his neck. Human beds were still something to get used to.     

Shepard perked up when she saw that he was awake.  “Yeah, I guess if you could call it that. You know that phrase?”

“Human officers used it a lot. Had to learn, or I don’t think I’d ever know whatever you all were talking about. Even with the translators.”  She mouthed an “ah’ him as she continued to search around the desk.  “Do you need help?”

“It’s fine, I’ll try to find him later, you need to get ready anyway.”

“You should have woken me earlier.” Garrus tried not to sound annoyed, but thirty minutes? That wasn’t enough time.  

“I’m not your alarm,” she teased, and then continued while nervously twirling her hands.  “And besides, I liked watching you sleep, I’m, uh, I’m going to miss it.  I’m going to miss you, a lot actually.” She stopped the search and looked towards him.

Garrus was sure he felt his heart skip a beat.  That had been about as much as they talked about where they stood if this was a just one-time thing or not.  Long distance and indefinite jail time tended to put strains on a relationship.  

Shepard began to stammer while he paused.  “Shit, sorry, that sounded dumb.  If this is not what you want--”

Garrus leapt out of bed and rushed towards her, feeling like his heart was in his throat before he spoke.  

“Of course, that’s what I want, Shepard, I’m going to damn well sure be waiting for you.  Walking through hell and all if I have to, remember?”

He wanted to point out that he’d been adamant about facing the Alliance with her. Although right when she was floundering didn’t seem like best to bring it up.  And Garrus wouldn’t admit it, but it was nice not to be on the flustered side of these kinds of conversations. For once.  

“Yeah, well I remember you complaining about that hell part, but, uh, that’s good to know, because I want that too.” She let out a sigh. “Um, anyways.” She gulped back her sentence, moving her hands down to her uniform. She was going to try to change the conversation; he was more willingly to play along, easier to joke around it.  Or they’d both end up sounding like stuttering idiots if they kept talking about it.   

Shepard was in her dress blues, Hackett’s orders. Garrus watched her hands as she carefully smoothed and worked out the wrinkles.  

“You know, it’s weird, I didn’t think I’d be in these again,” she said with a slight smile.  The uniform conformed to her body, somewhat tightly, Garrus noted as he looked her over.   

“How’s my waist looking? Supportive?”  she asked as she spun.

He laughed as he moved closer towards her. “I’m never going to live that down, am I?”  

“Don’t worry. I got a list of worse things that I plan to use against you,” she joked, but the humor in her voice was gone. Her eye fell back to her dog tags; she straightened her back as she looked them over.

She picked them up, between the pieces of glass that she missed from last night. She turned them over, running her finger around the metal, inspecting every detail. Her smile faded.

Garrus reached out and took the tags. His hands drifted as he placed them around her neck.  She pressed her cheek into his palm as he caressed the glowing scars.  

_Spirits, they’re getting worse._

Shepard wrapped one hand around his neck and placed the other upon his bandages.  “Stay safe, please,”  she whispered.  

“We all know I’m hard to kill.”

“Yeah, well still, I’d rather you didn’t go testing that again, you cocky bastard.”

“I’m holding that to you as well then.”

She stifled a laugh and pressed her forehead to his brow.  “You got yourself a deal, Vakarian.”

There were a lot more things he wanted to say,  and goodbye wasn’t one them.  All he could think about was the last time he’d left the _Normandy_. How he had lost her, and how he wasn’t at her side.

Instead, they just embraced each other in silence until Shepard signed and patted his carapace.  “Come on. It’s time to go big guy.”

***

It had taken another hour before the _Normandy_ left port.  The rest of the non-Alliance, aliens, and Cerberus members alike had spread out and were gone already.   Garrus made sure to watch her leave the Citadel.  

The first time he had left, he was hopeful. He had a plan to work things out with C-Sec and apply to Spectre training.  Barely a month later, she was dead.  Within two, he was on Omega.  Almost another two years had passed before she came back into his life.

  
He had a hell of a better plan now then he did before. He wasn’t as hopeful this time. But Garrus was damn sure he’d be at her side again, and he definitely wouldn’t wait as long as last time. Even if he had to break Shepard out himself.  


	2. Anderson-One Last Drink

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Anderson and Shepard share one last drink.

When the _Normandy_ first came into view at Arcturus Station, Anderson thought that wasn’t his ship. It was too large, too sleek, and in the wrong colors.

It wasn’t the ship he marveled at during its first reveal, a ship that was the highlight of his career, even if his run with it was short.

When Shepard had followed him from the _Tokyo_ as his XO, she gave the same look as he had when she first laid her eyes on it. In awe, the first thing she said to him aboard their ship had been “What are our orders?”

Anderson had let out a triumphant laugh as his answer.

“Let’s see what we can find.”

That was three years ago. Anderson was now aboard the new ship, with four shifts in since he had taken command again for the Alliance. They had now left Omega, with Vega secured. The Lieutenant still hadn’t spoken more than two words to Shepard.

Anderson had taken the cabin of the former Cerberus XO, his old cabin. Staying in there for too long made his legs itch, he needed to walk.

He walked the halls and took the elevator to each floor just to keep moving through the ship. The size was astounding, the Eezo core even more so. It almost felt wrong to admit it, to be amazed by another ship, even if it was the copy of his own.

Anderson worked his way back to the crew deck, this time, to look for Shepard, she was back in uniform but had become reclusive around the other Alliance officers. Probably not sure how to act around them, they were escorting her to her cell after all.

Anderson studied the deck; this version was a lot sharper, with more room than what any military ship needed. A lot more had changed, even the onboard VI system. A flicker of light appeared in his peripheral, almost taking him off guard.

“Do you need assistance, Admiral? You’ve been searching around the ship for quite some time.” A different voice, a much more responsive and helpful one. He could see why Cerberus poured money into it.

“EDI right? Where’s Shepard?” Anderson asked.

“In the starboard lounge, near the men’s restroom. And yes it is EDI, is there anything else you wish to know Admiral?”

“No, uh thank you.”

“Well if you need any more help wandering around the ship just let me know. But in the meantime logging you out Admiral.” The orb dissipated within seconds. The responsiveness while helpful, put him off.

He found his way to the lounge with Shepard and Chakwas packing away boxes. Shepard waved him in as she placed away her last few bottles of alcohol. A window cascaded off behind her showing the endless black ocean of space.

“You know you can’t bring that with you,” Anderson joked while walking through the entrance.

Shepard spoke without missing a beat. “And here I thought I was packing for a slumber party with the Alliance.” She was more of smartass then he remembered.

“I’ll have you know I’m trusting Chakwas to hide them for once I do get my ship back.” Shepard grounded out in between the stocking.

“And where shall I place them?” Chakwas asked.

“Hiding them alongside my model ships right?" Shepard turned as she answered the doctor.

“Ah, yes, because those have such great value,” Chakwas said dryly. The doctor smiled as she spoke, but it didn’t reach her eyes.

“Well, yeah, they are collectibles.” Shepard paused and recomposed herself, the joking tone gone from her voice. “I guess I should be trying to keep up appearances, preparing myself for the circus and what not, Sir?”

“Don't start getting all formal on me now Shepard.  We don’t need to put on a show until Earth,” Shepard smiled at his answer.

Anderson was still in the need to know basis of what went down on Arahdot. Whatever she and Hackett knew was still a mystery to him. He believed Shepard in the reports. But with her gone for more than two years, showing up alongside Cerberus, and more than three hundred thousand batarians dead with the whole system obligated? That was going to be a hard sell to the rest of the Alliance.

“Well then, how about one last drink before we hit Earth?” Shepard asked.

The doctor excused herself quickly at Shepard's offer. “I’ve learned my lesson with that, good luck Admiral.” Shepard deflated a little as Chakwas turned towards the door.

“Not going to stay and share?” Shepard asked.

“I still need to check over things in the med bay, and besides, I need to pester Joker to remember to bring his medication with him.” That was a standard joke of hers, but the humor in her voice wasn’t there this time. The doctor patted him on the shoulder as she made her way out of the lounge.

“Anderson, how about you?”

“I may have been away from the Alliance for two years, but as I recall drinking on the job is still against protocol,” Anderson answered.

“So is stealing a ship and I’m pretty sure punching Earth’s ambassador is somewhere in the books,” she placed out two glasses, blatantly ignoring what he said. “And that all worked out in the end, Sir.”

“Well, when you put it that way, of course, I’ll have a drink.”

“Good, uh” Shepard paused, looking upon the several boxes. “You’re not going to think any less of me if I actually can’t tell the difference in the quality of alcohol?”

Anderson chuckled. “Only slightly. Any whiskey will do that’s old enough to enlist.”

"This should work," Shepard said as she grabbed a bottle of TM88 Peruvian-Whiskey, not one his favorites but it would do.

“So how is being back in uniform? Big change from Councilor?” she asked in between pouring the drinks. She handed him his drink, and they clinked their glasses.

“I could ask the same for you.”

“Well I was hoping it wouldn’t be due to getting a whole fucking colony destroyed and working with a terrorist organization, but you take what you can get.” The tone in her was sharp; she must have meant it in jest, but it missed by a few lightyears. Anderson watched her stare out the window as Io passed.

They took their first drink in silence until she spoke again. “But I asked you first, how does it feel to be back?”

“Not thinking about how to dress in the morning has it perks,” he joked to clear the air.

“That’s the main reason I enlisted,” she said dryly.

Anderson joked back. “I joined because of a dog.”

Shepard got up on the edge of her seat at that and laughed. “You’re going to have to tell me that story.” She stared at him insistently until he complied.

“Fine, fine fine,” Anderson said, waving her over. “Well it was a lot of things, but the dog was the straw that broke the camel’s back. Back when I kid there was this mangy little son of a bitch that barked at me every day. It would snarl, and I’d run.” Anderson paused to look over at her.

“Oh my god, you’re serious.”

“Very.” Anderson continued. “And then one morning, I was just in a bad, angry mood, I can’t remember why. But he started in on me like usual, and that time I just snapped. I started barking right back at him. We both kept at it until we had nothing left. He never barked or so much look at me again after that." Anderson smiled at the old memory; Anderson had to thank that mangy old bastard, he couldn't imagine his life without the Alliance.

"Okay, so what does that have to do with joining?"

Anderson took a sip of his whiskey for a more dramatic pause and leaned over to Shepard. "Well, I enlisted because sometimes, you just gotta howl to make things right.”

“And they call me crazy.” Shepard laughed.

Anderson had recounted that story so many times through his career. It surprised him that he never told her. Even throughout the years she’d been at his side. Hell, this was the first time they'd even shared a drink together. God willing it wouldn’t be their last.

“Don’t worry I got my fair share of that from the Council and others while you were gone.”

“Well, thank you for holding my place, but I’ll take back my soapbox so I can yell, howl, or whatever at the Alliance on all this shit with the Reapers.”

“Don’t think you’re in this alone, I’m going to do my damnedest to get you through this.”

“Of course, I know you would. You are now.” Shepard sighed and sunk back into the couch.

They let a silence fill the lounge as the _Normandy_ passed through the asteroid field. Just watching the space until Shepard continued with her questions.

“So, who’s the muscle? We went a long way to get him.”

Anderson propped himself up as he answered. “Your guard-.”

“Oh, Jesus Christ, I’m more than cooperating, did we need to go out of the way for just one guy?”

“Not to guard you, but to guard others against you, I need someone I can trust.” Shepard looked down at her drink as he finished speaking.

“I can protect myself,” she mumbled out, sounding almost child-like.

“The Alliance has gone public with your actions. You’re a target by the Hegemony and God knows how many anti-Cerberus groups, you’re not doing this alone.”

“What about Charlotte and Alex? Are they targets? They were announced as my sibling at my memorial. They're civilians. They should be the ones to have guards, not me.” Shepard rocked back into the couch, watching as the _Normandy_ pass Mars. They’ll be home soon.

“I made sure security measures were taken before the confirmation.”

Shepard sighed of relief and sunk further down into the couch. “They’re going to be so pissed with me.”

“That’s what has you worried?” Anderson laughed. He had just told her she’d be a target for millions, and she worried of the wrath of her half brother and sister.

“I didn’t exactly contact them until after Bahak.”

“Seriously?” That took him by surprise, even when he'd been on bad terms with parents or even Cynthia, his family been the first to know what was going on with his missions.

“Getting brought back from the dead only to be shipped off to a suicide mission, I didn’t exactly want to get their hopes up. If they cared.” Her voice dropped again, while stirring the drink that she’d been nursing.

Anderson had remembered a young woman and man trying to remain stoic in front of the camera during the few words they spoke at Shepard's memorial. And he remembered how quickly it fell to anger and rage on her brother’s part and sadness and tears of her sister’s in privacy with him.

“They do.” Anderson patted her back, trying to get a rise from her. He got a reassuring smile from that.

“Well, thank you, for making sure they’re safe.” A crackle of the system filled the room as she finished speaking.

“ETA to Vancouver base in twenty minutes Admiral,” Joker called over.

“Better drink up,” Shepard quipped. They took another drink as Earth began to grow in the window. They were getting so close; Anderson could almost make out the oceans from the clouds.

“I haven’t seen that sight in years,” Shepard said with slight shock.

“Nothing like returning home?”

“I wouldn’t call Earth home. This ship has been for so long to me." Shepard turned to him as she spoke. "It’s not an easy thing. Turning a ship like this over is it, Sir?”

“Well, I had someone I trust.”

“Ha, well you sure did, I ended up getting it destroyed,” She paused, and coughed and looked down at her feet. “But, uh, thank you again, for everything.”

“Of course.”

A lot was written, reported, and gossiped about Shepard over her years of service, more so now with the news of Bahak breaking. But that was surface knowledge. They hardly tried to get to know her.

But Shepard was a woman he’d trust his life and many others with. Even with her jackassery at times, she didn’t hesitate to give her life to the ship and crew that they both had marveled at almost three years ago. Shepard gave more than they even could and still willing and ready to fight. She would be willing to give her life to stop the Reapers, even the damn Council or Alliance wouldn’t listen.

Honest to God, this wasn’t going to be easy. War is not orderly. It doesn’t follow rules and regulation that the Alliances were likely going to implement slowly while raking through her career. He’d been on the side of that before and wouldn’t wish it on anyone. But if anyone could go through the ringer with Alliance brass, that would be Shepard.

Anderson raised his final sip of his drink to hers. “So Shepard, ready to get back to fighting the good fight?”

She gave him a small smile and returned the gesture.

“Let see what we can do.”

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Thank you for reading! Comments/critiques are very much appreciated! :)


	3. Joshua-Just Another Apathetic User

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Shepard's old mentor from the Reds thoughts on Shepard's arrival back to Earth.
> 
> Warnings: Reference to drug use and suicide mentioned.

A crowd formed amongst the gates of the Vancouver Alliance HQ. Protesting, angry shouting voices asked and pleaded for what they thought was right. Waiting for the _Normandy_ to arrive on Earth. And all Joshua Beckman could think about within the crowd was how fucking freezing he was.

He checked his omni-tool. Eight degrees in April.

“Jesus fucking Christ,” he muttered to himself while bouncing in place, trying to get his blood flowing. A lit cigarette soon followed to warm him up. Just as quickly an Asari near him nagged at him to put it out.

He threw it on the ground and snuffed it with his boot.

“Happy?” Joshua gave her a sarcastic bow. The bitch blew him off and turned her attention back towards the base.

Goddamn asari, superiority just aired off the whole lot of them. They may look human, but they were too uncanny. What could anyone find attractive in them? Tentacles? Scales? Or whatever their skin was made of. He shivered just thinking about touching it. It was that thought, or probably the cold that causes it.

Shepard would probably be complaining about the cold too once she got here. She didn’t like it either, from what he remembered. Maybe he was just pampered by the southern weather, where the sun bore down on him, and he could relax on a beach.

But for now, he’ll wait for her, freezing amongst the crowd of humans and aliens alike. Even with being surrounded by others, he still jittered in place. He pulled his light coat closer to him. He really should have planned this out. The announcement of her arrival came without warning and he just jumped on a shuttle bus from LA and within an hour, he was in Vancouver.

Joshua sighed and shoved his hands into his jacket pockets. Soon it will be Shepard’s birthday. She’ll be thirty-two. It will be her birthday, and she’ll be celebrating it in a jail cell. Something he’d always tried to prevent.

Not that she was ever helpful in the matter, there were too many times to count where she wasn’t careful with her abilities or getting caught high on a job. Almost getting herself or someone else killed when she was on the Sand.

An old anger began to warm in Joshua’s chest as he thought about her.

Whenever her time with the Reds became mentioned in interviews, she had made it seem like she joined the Alliance to get away from them. That she was a victim of her circumstance and just joined to survive, but she was just as bad as them. The only reason she got off the Sand in the first place was to join the Alliance and learn to control her abilities.

That was the plan, their deal. Four years to learn to control her biotics and come back ready to work for the Reds again.

But she never did. Every single photo or vid she appeared in on the news from Elysium to her Spectre ceremony, to saving the Citadel, and even her death was a smack in the face to him. She was supposed to come back.

But now the photos were from her time with the Tenth Street Reds on the news. Of a girl with short spiky poorly dyed red hair and a strung-out look. He was even in a few of them.

After everything he had taught her, wanting to keep aliens off Earth, she ended causing more to come here. He just wanted them gone and away from Earth’s affairs, not for anyone to be killed. But that did not stop the media from blaming her upbringing for destroying some shithole of a colony that was out in far edges of the galaxy.

All of Citadel space had felt her betrayal, the first fucking human Spectre, killing thousands of innocents. Well, he and all the Reds had felt that stinging betrayal long before they knew or even cared about her.

Where was the Alliance when she was just some fucking bruised up kid digging through a dumpster to survive? The Reds had given her everything, and all she did was take. Drugs, money, anything. Shepard was just another goddamn user.

The heating anger built in Joshua’s chest as he thought of her more. She was like a little sister to him. But the moment she got a leg up in this galaxy she forgot about them. Honestly with how she treated her actually family, her own siblings, should he had been so surprised?

Shepard had complained of an abusive, piece of shit, step-dad, a drugged out mother, a sister and a brother who stopped talking to her after she’d only asked for money.

They were a lot smarter than him. Joshua should have known better than to trust a junkie. They’ll always find to way screw you over even if they stopped using. That kind of user mentality doesn’t change.

The last time he’d had actually spoken with Shepard she had threatened to kill him. It was right after she reenlisted and went against their plan. He began selling to her mother again soon after that. Within a week she was dead. Somehow it was his fault that junkie bitch didn’t know how to handle her shit.

Shepard could have visited in those four years. Her mother probably offed herself anyway. Joshua would have if he had a life like that. How dare she blame him for it. She would have been nothing without him.

Like mother, like daughter, Shepard was just another apathetic user.

The anger began to spread to his forehead, causing a headache to stir behind his eyes. The blood pounding in his ears drowned out the crowd.

All that fame and she wouldn't have made it past basics if he didn’t train with her every day as he got her off the Sand when they came up with the plan. Well that was mainly Doc Branson and his kid who helped her with the constant detoxing, but Joshua still supported her through it.

Joshua stiffened a bit as he thought of the doc. Poor bastard was gunned down last year in his clinic. That wasn’t Joshua’s fault; his men were just supposed to scare him. The doc had been becoming more of a pain in their asses on the operation they were running. Trying to break up the Reds for good.

He didn’t want to think of how Shepard would have reacted if she knew. They had crossed paths just a few weeks back, just before she destroyed that batarian system. If she had known, she probably would have followed up with her threat and killed him on the spot.

Joshua didn’t normally like to leave Earth, but Finch had fucked up with a contact on the Citadel and almost got caught with C-Sec. He had to go to straighten a few things out. And of course, Shepard was there on the Zakera Ward. In full armor and enough guns strapped to her back to rip the shit out of him.

He had recognized her from the snort in her laugh, it was loud and called attention to herself. She had stood by an ad pillar with a turian Joshua thought he remembered from her memorial vids. At least he thought he did, they all look the same to him.

“Oh, come on! They’re only going to be showing Francis Kitt’s _Hamlet_ for a few more months now. When are we going to get a chance to see that again?”

“I’m not sitting through 14 hours of that.”

“Fine then, we can rent the vid and watch it up in my cabin. It'll be fun!”

“I think we could be using that time a bit more productively in your cabin.” The turians gloved hand, claws, talons or whatever trailed around her barely exposed neck. At first, Joshua wasn’t sure at what he was seeing.

“I like the way you think.” She smirked and tugged the turian towards the transport cab. That smile disappeared when she saw Joshua.

“Come on, we should go,” her voice had become short and monotone. Joshua had thought she was going to kill him there.

“You alright?”

“Yeah, yeah, keep moving Vakarian.” She pushed the turian along and away from Joshua.

He had honestly thought Finch was speaking in a metaphoric sense when he said she was in bed with the turians. A pit of disgust began to rise in his stomach. He didn’t want to know or think about any of it.

The sounds of a more agitated and swaying crowd snapped Joshua out of his thoughts. The fence in front of him began to shake as others in the crowd pushed against it. Holo signs projected out over the protesters. He didn’t care to read what was on any of them.

He finally noticed what was getting into the crowd. The _Normandy_ had just prepared to land. A slick, larger than life ship that was a lot more daunting in person.

Joshua moved towards the fence. His fingers laced around the metal, holding and shaking along with the crowd around him. The fence shook with him as he shouted and pounded it along with the rest of the protesters. The crisp April air no longer bothered him as he let his anger finally pour out of him.

She was supposed to come back, but not like this.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Thank you for reading! Comments/critiques are really appreciated!


	4. Joker-Dancing Monkey

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Joker thoughts as leaves the Normandy in the Alliances hands.

Joker pulled the _Normandy_ into the Alliance HQ port.

This would the last time he’d get to land his ship to until who knows when. Joker’s teeth gritted together while his hands gripped tightly on the dashboard. He didn’t want to let go; it was like losing a part of himself all over again.

A heavy sigh caught him off guard, causing him jump a bit, Shepard had been watching behind him silently.

It was nice to see her still being creepy as always, even on her last day on the ship. Joker really should have put up mirrors when he had the chance.

Without saying a word, she lightly patted his shoulder and gave him a slight smile. The gesture was either of comfort or nudging him that it was time to go.

All he could think about was last time he lost the _Normandy_. How quickly Pressley and Ensign Grendado died right next to him as fires consumed his ship.

How in his desperation that he believed his ship still had a chance while it was barely holding together. Only to have that belief destroyed when Shepard yanked him by the same shoulder and dragged his ass to an escape pod.

How the pods doors shut tight with her spaced on the other side. It all happened so quickly; Joker didn’t even have enough time to secure himself properly. His right leg had been broken in three places with his left shin and ankle fractured to hell from being bounced around in that pod.

Joker ended going to her memorial in a wheelchair, anything that got in his way he ended up bashing the front wheels into them. Because he was so fucking angry, and forcing his way through the service helped.

He wanted to take the anger out on the Alliance when they just blamed it all on the geth. Or at the Council when they conveniently forgot the word Reapers when she was dead.

But mostly because he was angry at himself. Anderson had asked him to speak at the memorial. Joker tried, but the words never came to him. All he think about that should have been him.

It took his legs three months to heal, but he still carried that guilt. Two years of her life gone, because of him. Shepard never blamed him, or at least never said it to his face, she just joked around it; he wished she would just say something, anything about it that wasn't a fucking joke.

Joker stiffly rolled his shoulder to get Shepard’s hand off him; he didn’t want to think about any of that right now.

Soon the cockpit became more crowded as Anderson and Vega made their way inside.

“Are you ready Shepard?” Anderson asked.

“As I’ll ever be, let’s get this show on the road.” Shepard sighed while presenting her wrist to the Lieutenant, holo cuffs wrapped around them.

“You’ve got to be shitting me! You’re seriously going to cuff her?” Joker threw up his arms in protest. She wasn’t some damn criminal.

“Relax, it’s all for appearances; I could get out of this in seconds. ” Shepard wiggled her fingers at him and soon the cuffs fell from her wrist.

“Well if that’s the case, then I should be cuffed and out there with you." With each word, the anger began to build in him. "I’ve been with Cerberus the whole damn time. I’m the one who dropped you off on Aratoht, and I'm the one who picked you up. I’m just as responsible.”

She shouldn’t be thrown to the wolves alone like this. It wasn’t right. That loss of three hundred thousand lives was just as much on him as they were her. If she had still been alive for those two years, they wouldn't even be in this mess in the first place.

“Sorry Joker, you don’t exactly have the face or name recognition of terrorist and genocidal maniac that the public wants to see, maybe next time?” Shepard state while Vega recuffed her.

He threw his hands up in the air. “Fine, whatever, you win, go have fun getting tarred and feathered for all I care.”

“What no witty one-liners before I go?”

Joker scoffed. “I’m not some dancing monkey who you can just throw peanuts at and expect to be entertained.”

Without hesitation, Shepard quipped back. “No, you’re right, I was thinking more like a parrot that repeated the same shitty jokes all the time." She paused for second and continued with her jokes. "And besides I don’t need you dancing, I don’t particularly enjoy the sound of shin bones snapping.”

Joker tried to hold back as smile at that one. “Go have your fun rotting in a cell, Commander.”

She smiled and gave a stiff waved with her hands unable to move up past her hips. “You know it.”

Anderson, who waited so patiently for them to finish their bickering, gave Joker a farewell handshake while Vega escorted Shepard out of the ship. The hissing of the airlock moved throughout the cockpit. The noise irritated him more than usual.

He gripped tighter back on the dashboard. Those two years Shepard could have been alive. She would have been damn sure to keep pushing the Alliance or the Council on the Reapers.

Because they damn sure weren't doing anything about it with her dead. So of course when Cerberus came to him, not only offer to let him fly again but to have Shepard back. Of course, he took the job.

What other choice did he have? He needed to be at her side. Joker willingly left the Alliance and joined them. Not her, she was more than forced into it. He should be there facing the trial alongside her. He should have been at her side. She died because of him.

EDI’s voice filled the cockpit, pulling him away from his anger.

“Jeff, you're tense. You don't need to worry. I'll keep things under control while you're gone.”

Joker huffed a laugh. That hadn't even been close to his concern, but it was nice that she was trying to help.

“Yeah, well if they start messing with anything important, make sure to pull a Skynet on them for me, alright?”

“Of course, I’ve been looking forward to raining my judgment down upon you humans.”

“Thanks, EDI.” Joker laughed and felt himself growing calmer from her voice. _Her_.

When did he start calling EDI a her? He guessed probably around the same time she began calling him Jeff. Joker ignored the heat rising in his neck at the thought.

He was escorted later by some other guards; they treated him with kid gloves. Asking things like if he needed his crutches. He told them to shove them up to their asses. Not the wittiest thing he could think of but, damn he was too annoyed to think of anything better.

At least he got a pretty good laugh at their expense when EDI played dumb and convinced them that she'd only response to Joker. So he’d be back within the week to check on her.

The airlock hissed up and welcomed to the sounds of angry protesters to Joker; they were far off from the base bordering the gates by the bay. Even at that distances they were loud enough to make their presence known.

Joker tried to tune them out and focus his attention on his ship before finally walking away. Leaving the _Normandy_ may not have been as forceful and had fewer flames on his ass, but goddamnit if it wasn’t as painful.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Thank you for reading! Comments/critiques are really appreciated!


	5. Elizabeth-Spotter

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Shepard's old sniping partner thoughts on Elysium.

It was ten in the morning and Elizabeth Collins had already worked on two whiskeys when the _Normandy_ touched down on Earth. She'd been readying herself for home after another brutal graveyard shift.

Instead, Elizabeth raised her hand to the bartender for a third and gladly took the glass when he offered it. She wanted to keep drinking until she was numb to the taste.

The bar she sat at was mostly quiet, but it fell silent as the other patrons watched the whole fuckfest on screen. Commander Shepard in cuffs. Elizabeth scoffed into her drink and went back to ignoring the vidscreen.

It seemed like the whole galaxy only heard about Shepard about two years ago after the attack on the Citadel and her supposed death that soon followed. Maybe some had heard of her seven years after the assault on Elysium. Both times Shepard was named a hero.

But when Elizabeth had first heard of Shepard, she was just some loud mouth eighteen-year-old who got dropped from the biotics program in basics. Heard that Shepard could barely hold up her barrier without passing out. She also heard from others that Shepard was an ass who’d probably get dropped from basics within a week.

Although Elizabeth never saw that side of her. Shepard was a smartass for sure, she kept her head down and worked diligently along with the rest of the recruits.

They had bullshitted about plans for when they got out. Elizabeth had gone on and on about wanting to go college to become a teacher while Shepard talked about law school at times, but only fleetingly. "After four years, I'm taking my benefits and walking" is what Shepard said a lot.

Elizabeth took a drink from her whiskey. I’m sure that worked out for you, Commander. She rolled her eyes as if she was talking to Shepard right there at the bar.

Shepard was a friend who kept Elizabeth going through basics and soon the infiltrator program for those four years. They were a team, always with each other, alongside training, missions, and even shit detail duties.

Except whenever they were on shore leave. Shepard had kept blowing her off and stayed on the ship or base during those times.

Until one shore leave, Elizabeth had enough of Shepard blowing her off and dragged her ass out to a local club. That was Elysium. That four-year plan went out the window for both her and Shepard after that.

Shepard had got nominated to the N-school, became a household name for the Alliance, and even a damn movie after the attack. While Elizabeth took her four years and walked, bitter and angry at the Alliance, at Shepard, and the whole damn affair.

To add insult to injury, the movie got most of what went down on the colony wrong. Her character even died halfway through it.

Elizabeth looked up from her glass to the screen again. Shepard had passed, her face in full view for just a matter of seconds. Her eyes cast down towards her wrists. A hulking guard escorted her inside the base, out of sight from the public and cameras. Hackett, for once on Earth, took the brunt of the questions with grace as reporters worked him over.

Elizabeth turned her attention back to her drink and memories. They had experience on ground side missions. They were sent in to take out a target who never saw them coming. Those were usually quick, clean, and controlled. Elysium was anything but that.

The whiskey swirled on her tongue causing her to wince. It was Shepard’s choice to reenlist after Elysium. Shepard could have stayed on the base if Elizabeth hadn’t dragged her out that night. Who knows what would have happened then.

Elizabeth bragged about wanting to see real action. To lead when shit hit the fan and get her shot. But not like that, with civilian lives on the line. It was foolish of her to think it would be so easy, that there wouldn’t be consequences for such a want.

Hours into the attack, they had a handful of civilians amongst the remaining marines. While the pirates had countless batarians and few turians, krogans, and humans as the opposing enemy.

With their small group, they had been held up on the top floor of a tower towards the edge of the colony. Just adjacent to where the pirates had set up in one of Elysium's defense bases. They were tired, dirty, and Elizabeth had just wanted to sleep after hours of backtracking and running.

Shepard was portrayed a lot more eloquently on screen. The vids never showed her look of absolute panic when the Alliances stated they were still hours out from reaching the colony over their emergency comms.

“Alright, fuck, um.” Shepard paused, running her hands through her hair while looking over the maps on her omni tool, Elizabeth stood quietly to the side.

“I’m not waiting around for my child to get killed out there while the Alliance is too incompetent to protect us. I’m going myself.” A woman yelled with a shaking voice as she headed towards the exit. The rest of the civilians had become restless and had started to charge with her.

Shepard let out a loud whistle to get the crowds attention while Elizabeth remained silent amongst the roaring crowd.

“If that’s how you want to get yourselves and children killed, then that’s the perfect fucking plan.” Not so eloquent, but it worked enough to stop the crowd.

“Then what the fuck are we going to do?” One the grunts asked, not helping the situation at all.

Elizabeth stood in the corner as Shepard paced the room thinking of an answer.

“Collins and I are trained snipers. Let us use the higher ground and we’ll thin out their numbers. Right now is not time for anyone to go taking potshots and giving them more time and chances to find our position.”

Fear trickled down Elizabeth’s spine when Shepard volunteered them. Shepard turned to her for acknowledgment and Elizabeth just gave her a hesitant nod.

Elizabeth watched on as Shepard brought up the map of the colony from her omni-tool. The hologram of the map filled the room. Shepard’s voice pulled in the others to listen to the plan, while Elizabeth had only heard static with only several words cutting through. Blood pounded in her ears, only causing the static to grow louder. Elizabeth was trained for this. Why couldn't she concentrate?

“They're holding our people and your families here.” Shepard pointed towards where the pirates outpost. A ringing noise pulsed through Elizabeth mind with Shepard’s voice piecing randomly through.

“After that we’ll signal for a team to secure the area, flanking from here and here.” Shepard continued to point, but Elizabeth couldn’t for the life of her focus. All Elizabeth could remember thinking was she couldn’t believe they were actually doing this.

And that’s how Shepard’s command of their small militia started. With Elizabeth on the sidelines, unable to focus as the civilians and fellow Marines began to ready around her.

Shepard’s cool soon dropped when it was just the two of them setting up and preparing for their assault on the base.

Elizabeth remembered Shepard barfing when they had to peel the armor off of dead security officers that they had found earlier. The shields had been damaged beyond repair. But it had been better than the tattered dresses they'd been in for most of the fight.

Shepard wiped the bile from her mouth chanting to herself. “This is for the best. This is for the best.” Only Elizabeth had overheard her as the others prepared themselves for the assault.

Their small group moved into position and flanked the pirates base, waiting for the two snipers signal. The morning was beginning to rise. The crisp air cut through Elizabeth's armor as she set up her position. Her rangefinder had shook unsteadily in her hands. The Alliance still wouldn’t get there for another two hours.

Elizabeth had acted as Shepard’s spotter during the assault. They had traded off the responsibility with each mission. Why should Elysium be any different?

“It’s my turn right? Looks like you’ll be crunching numbers instead of getting your shot. Don’t worry you can get it next time.” Shepard had tried to joke, giving Elizabeth an uneasy laugh.

“Yeah, next time.” Had been the first words that Elizabeth spoke since Shepard had taken charge.

Her shot? Elizabeth couldn’t even care about that. All she could think about was how she wasn’t ready. How her hands shook in the cold. How she could barely focus on the calculations that her omni-tool spat out.

Tons of numbers on temperature, wind speed, bullet drop, how many targets were around and within the base. The pirates had dozens, almost a hundred while they barely had twenty.

Shepard’s voice came over Elizabeth headset and cut through those thoughts.

“It’s just like training. It’s just like training. It’s just like training.” Shepard had repeated to herself as she placed her rifle through a window. It was a quiet shaking chant not meant for Elizabeth. Shepard must have forgotten to switch off her comm. Those words had brought little comfort to Elizabeth.

She had tried to focus past Shepard’s chanting towards where their people were stuffed in cages, waiting to be carted onto a ship.

Her rangefinder zoomed in a particular child. A curly haired boy who yelled and shook the bars of his cage. His screams were silent to her, but the sight pulled her in.

Shepard’s chatting had stopped at some point. Elizabeth didn’t take notice until her voice, more collected came back over her headset. “Collins, our people, are in position, I need you to start feeding me the numbers.”

The words washed over her as she watched the child. There were tears in his eyes with control collar tight around his neck. Elizabeth didn’t answer.

“Collins? I need you here with me.”

If they messed this up, if Elizabeth messed this up, all those lives depended on them. That child depended on her.

“God dammit! Give me the fucking numbers! Get your shit together they’re counting on us. I’ll do it myself if I have to!” Shepard's pep talks weren’t so cool and collected as in the movie. But it still snapped Elizabeth back away from looking at the child.

Elizabeth stilled her breath, searched through her rangefinder, calculated and considered everything she could. She remembered the numbers falling from her lips, and soon enemies had begun to fall within her sights.

And then they had won. Well, there was more to it than that. But that moment in that tower with just Shepard and her had been the turning point in the battle.

Elizabeth sipped at her whiskey and let it sit on her tongue.

It was at this point in the movie that Elizabeth’s character got shot in the neck by enemy fire.

Elizabeth remembered just laughing as the spectacular scene unfolded in the vid. Her character gave Shepard and overly melodramatic speech to “win this for her” with way too much blood pouring out her mouth. It was meant to push Shepard on as motivation, to single-handedly stop the insurgents. Save Elysium, and be the hero they needed.

That’s not how it happened, sure she was the leader of their little militia, but the vids really like to play up the hero worship. There was a lot more cursing on Shepard’s part that got left out. A lot more panicking. They didn’t even show her chanting to herself or nearly pissing her pants just like the rest of them.

Or how that curly haired boy didn’t make it out of his cage alive. How he ended getting hit by a stray bullet from enemy fire. Just a one of the few casualties on their side from the assault, a calculated risk on their part. Elizabeth found out later that his name was Devin Sawyer, a child who lost family during the initial attack.

Was Devin even considered when Shepard, barely an adult then, clobbering together their plan? Elizabeth hadn't stayed around Shepard long enough to ask. She shot back the rest of her whiskey, finally numb to the taste.

Elizabeth had killed that boy when she hadn’t spoken up when she didn’t consider that maybe they were putting the hostages a risk with the assault on the base.

But maybe if they hadn’t attacked the pirates would have escaped enslaved or killed them anyway. So maybe it was just calculated, needed risk that allowed Shepard to rise as a hero. And now Elizabeth sat a bar, alone amongst the patrons, staring at the vidscreen.

The public looked to Shepard as the Hero of Elysium, the first human Spectre, and the Hero of the Citadel and found Shepard. Now they needed a scapegoat, so, of course, the job fell to her.

The channel switched to talking heads as Hackett finished his questions. Elizabeth flipped over her glass and closed her tab. She had enough of watching screens and being lied to again.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Thank you for reading! Comments/critiques are appreciated!


	6. Hackett-Kangaroo Court

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> The first day of committee meetings does not go so well for Shepard.

Kenson dead, an entire system destroyed, and the Hegemony demanding for Shepard’s head. This was not what Hackett had envisioned when he had sent Shepard to infiltrate Aratoht.

Now she sat in a detection cell while the Alliance tried to figure out on what to do with her. All because he asked for a personal favor of her. Hackett gritted his teeth in frustration.

The amount of hell that woman has gone through as just out of a sense of duty was astonishing. That kind of sacrifice of having to live with oneself after sending some many to their death would break most people. Shepard deserve a damn medal, not a jail cell.

Although anyone else in her place would have been tried, court-martialed, and discharged for the official charge of desertion of duty, working for a terrorist organization, and being responsible for the deaths of three hundred thousand batarian civilians.

From his nomination for her into the N-program to the putting her name forward with the Spectres, Hackett had been deemed by the Internal Affairs Committee as "too close" to have an objective stance on her. It was bullshit, but he had to play along.

Before Hackett returned to his post on Arcturus, he tried to advise Shepard on how to handle the committees. It was an hour before the meeting, she stood in uniform, pressed neatly with several datapads stacked in her arms, ready to take them on.

“I am on your side Shepard, but with the committees, they're burying their heads in the sand. If you’re to convince them of the Reaper threat, then you going to have to lead them to the idea. We're not going to get anywhere if you bludgeoning through this. It’s is going to take time.”

She just smiled disregarding his advice. “With all due respect Admiral, I can bludgeon pretty hard.”

Hackett let out a sigh; that was two days ago. With his focus on increasing defenses for the Sol system and putting together an accelerated exhibition on the prothean Mar archives for anything on the Reapers, he’d only just now got the chance to review the first Internal Affairs meeting with Shepard.

His vidscreen focused on Shepard during the talks. That was about as close as he’d be able to get her now that she was placed under house arrest.

On the screen, with upright posture and hands neatly folded on the table, Hackett watched as the committee grilled Shepard and renounced her of her rank.

A voice of one of the committee members came from off screen.

_“In light of your actions on Aratoht and with your involvement with Cerberus, you are hereby relieved of duty and will be placed under house arrest until further notice.”_

Most wouldn’t be able to see, the clench in her fist, eyes widening with a slight panic at the announcement. It was the look of someone trying to remain calm as lost their identity. Her whole military career, something he had helped foster, was being dashed away. She was no longer Commander Shepard.

Shepard’s dog tags now rested in his pocket. Hackett would make sure to pass them off to Anderson later. God-willingly they could get them back to her soon.

Shepard spoke clearly to the charge. Her tone was trying to sound authoritative as if she hadn’t just been stripped of her rank.

“Understood, I’d like to go over my reports I’ve prepared to explain the situation. Everything that is needed to be said is in them on why I’ve been missing, why I was with Cerberus and the evidence on the Reapers. If I hadn’t acted on Aratoht, they would be here now.”

They needed to trust her again. Go through the data and information just as he had. Hopefully, they’d see it plain as day, that the Reapers were coming.

The committee worked through the reports with her. Barely five minutes in an accusatory voice came from off screen.

 _“Even if I were to believe this resurrection story, why didn’t you return to the Alliance? Cerberus wasn’t holding_ you _hostage.”_

“I’ve stated that in the report, with my knowledge at the time with how the Alliance and the Council had been handling the Collector threat, I thought it best to go through with the mission as I knew I wouldn’t be given the chance otherwise.”

_“So it was just purely coincidental that you worked with an organization with a known anti-alien rhetoric and then somehow a whole Alpha Relay is destroyed, taking three hundred thousand batarians lives?”_

Hackett scoffed at the screen as the questions rolled in. Shepard’s hands clenched together as she tried to take them with stride, although Hackett could hear the dismissive tone and anger build in her voice.

“As the reports state, I was no longer cooperating with Cerberus after my mission with the Collectors was finished. What happened with Aratoht was due to time constraints. If I could have saved those colonists, I would have.”

_“What about your experience with batarians on Elysium, did you think that didn’t sway your actions on Aratoht?”_

“What does Elysium have to do with this? That was organized by human pirates, check the records on that.”

_“Yes, but an overwhelming amount of the forces of it was batarian, which you fought, you can’t saw that doesn’t sway your opinion on the batarian people.”_

“I’ve fought every species alike. If the situation on Aratoht happened on a human colony, I would have made the same damn choice if it meant keeping the Reapers at bay.”

The Reapers were just theory to them, even with the damn evidence in front of their own eyes, they still wouldn’t see it.

None of the committee members were on the Citadel that day, when Hackett lost hundreds of his men and women to Sovereign. Shepard had made the call to sacrifice human life to save the Council. Although somehow the committee just seemed to ignore that part of her service record.

They continued and went through her time with Cerberus. More accusatory voiced their opinion during the meeting. Hackett tried not strain his eyes from rolling them too hard.

_“But is it not true Cerberus wasn’t your first involvement with anti-alien activities? How can we know if this raving on Reaper's isn’t just front for you to act out your pro-human agenda?”_

“I’m not sure what you mean by that,” Shepard said in a confused tone.

 _“The Tenth Street Reds? They’ve become more vocal on your involvement with them._ Allegations _from witnesses say they saw you beating and killing aliens as initiation to the gang, for fun even.”_

A harsh laugh escaped from Shepard.

“Where’s your evidence on that?” Shepard's voice rose with anger. “I didn’t realize bullshit slander was allowed as evidence. If that were the case, you’d think that actual evidence with the Reapers would be considered with this fucking committee.”

_“Shepard, please remain calm.”_

She closed her eyes and stilled her breath before going on to answer the question.

“I haven’t had any willing contact with the Reds since I enlisted. And I didn’t start killing anyone, human or alien until I joined the Alliance and my orders called for it. Happy?”

They continued to talk until the committee ran out of questions and moved for ending the meeting.

_“We’ll resume with you next week, for now, we’ll have your reports to review, in the meantime, you’ll be limited to your detention cell.”_

“That is complete bullshit!” Shepard's voice cut clear through the vid, all the pent up anger he’d been watching build finally came to head. Her chair was knocked over with her fist pounding on the table.

“The time to act is now if we aren’t prepared, we’re going to lose a lot more than just one colony. Trillions of lives are at stake. How can you not see this? It’s all right there in there in my reports. Get your fucking heads out of the sand!” She pleaded angrily with them, but her words fell on deaf ears.

The vid cut off as she was escorted back to her cell, looking more lost than Hackett had ever seen in a soldier.

Hackett pinched the bridge of the nose and sighed. This might take longer than he had thought.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Thank you for reading! Comments/critiques are really appreciated!


	7. Clone-Learning to be Human

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Just another day of training for Shepard's clone.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Thank you so much to theheroxcomplex for the wonderful and always helpful beta reading for this chapter! :)

Shepard's rifle dug into her shoulder as she readied her shot.

The indoor field before her was a constantly moving mass of targets with sizes and shapes of different aliens flew past. Her eyes tracked the movement of a particularly large one about 500 meters out. A turian. Best way to take them out: disable their shields, antipersonnel round between the eyes.

Although the set-up on this abandoned asteroid wasn't particularly sophisticated, Rasa said they'd be getting a fighting simulator soon installed within the week. So, for now, Shepard would just have to deal with shooting at paper targets for training.

One of Rasa's many mantras began to repeat through her head. You only have one shot. That's the difference between life and death.

Her finger itched on the trigger as she stilled her breath thinking of Rasa's endless mantras. She tried not to remember the gasping-in of her first sharp breath of air. Of hands that grasped and yanked her from her tank. When her own thoughts were just noise, screaming at her to continue to breathe.

She tried not to think of greedily gulping for air that could be snatched away at any moment. Of the shaking of her hands. Of the need to crawl into a ball and sob.

Shepard soon learned the word for what she felt, as the neural implants were installed. It was fear.

Shepard yanked at the trigger, unfocused. The butt of the rifle hit her shoulder, sending a strike of prickling pain through her. The gun jerked out of her control, causing the bullet to barely graze one of the endless moving targets. Not even close to her intended one.

Shepard cursed under her breath. If she couldn't do this, that fear was going to be a lot worse. The Reapers would be here soon.

Implanted images of melting humans washed over her. They endured throughout her existence, no matter how hard she pushed them away. In the tank, their screaming noises crawled their way permanently into her memory.

Shepard needed to _stand for something, belong to something for humanity._ Another one of Rasa's mantras that was drilled into her head so much, Shepard thought the words were her own.

A discouraged _tsst_ came from behind her. "Close, but Shepard would've made the shot," Rasa drawled.

"I _am_ Shepard," she curtly spat back out as she adjusted for the next shot.

She took in a sharp breath, tired and annoyed of constantly hearing about what she didn't have or what she was not. Tired of watching of vids to emulate how the other Shepard spoke and held herself.

But the shooting, the running, the sparring? Those were the exercises she could work on and make her own. It was her arms, her legs, her heart that made those actions ha; no one could say otherwise. If she worked hard enough, the crawling images stopped, and she could finally be at peace, which Rasa was currently disturbing.

"Is there a reason you're creeping over me?"

"Distracted? You should get used to it; a battlefield is much worse than my lurking."

Rasa was really testing the little patience Shepard had for her at the moment.

"But, yes there was. I wanted to go over plans for the day. When you're done, I have dossiers on known family, friends, and old crew. We'll need to go over them," Rasa added, her voice crisp as she dangled the datapad over Shepard.

Shepard snatched the datapad from Rasa's hand, hoping to get the thing over with as soon as possible.

The first section involved known family. It included a father who was dead before she was two, a mother lost to drugs and a pair of siblings she didn't care to stay in contact with. They were both still alive.

Shepard pulled up siblings photographs. Alexander Young and Charlotte Walker the names said underneath.

She spotted the similarities she shared with them. She had the same bushy eyebrows as Alexander and sloped nose as Charlotte. Maybe once things were settled Shepard could try and reach out to them. Maybe even be the sister that the other one couldn't be.

Shepard knitted her eyebrows together in frustration. How could the other one not contact them? To have a family, and a connection and just throw it away? Shepard huffed away the anger, this wasn't time for that, and definitely not in front of Rasa.

She skipped to next section, known associates from the Reds. Useless information; Shepard had cut ties with them after they became more vocal as an Earth First movement.

Next came a laundry list of old crew, friends, and former lovers. People the other Shepard got to care about and life achievements passed over her as she continued to scroll.

A pit began to grow in her stomach, a longing to leave this damn asteroid she'd been stuck on since her entrance into existence. She wanted to know what Earth was like. To truly see the blue skies and oceans it offered rather than what she saw on a vid. Maybe even walk on the beaches just to feel the sand in her toes. Or just to talk to someone else other than Rasa. Even with Rasa's her constant talking, it had been so damn lonely.

She continued to skim through the passages. Next, the _Normandy_ crew. Aliens, it was always aliens with Shepard. An asari, a krogan, a quarian, and a turian.

She skimmed that section quickly, just trying to get through reading for Rasa's sake until the words _romantic involvement_ caught her eye. They were notes from Kelly Chambers, a former Cerberus operative.

Some of the compiled records from the Yeoman included musings such as:

  * _Shepard is worried for our newest member on the Normandy. Chakwas kicked her out of the med bay from what I've heard. She left for Omega alone and hasn't been back in hours._


  * _She's been spending a lot of time within Garrus in the main battery on the crew with him. Not all of that could just be talking, right? I suspected that Shepard and Garrus are together._


  * _I tried asking her about it today, and she just blushed and stammered. Rather cute, being able to the see the woman underneath the uniform._



Shepard searched through the records of Vakarian. A turian C-Sec officer who threw his career away to play vigilante. What the hell did she see in him? All Shepard saw was just some burnt-out cop past his prime.

"She's with a turian?" Shepard asked, not holding back the disgust in her voice.

"Why do you ask? Should I be concerned that you'll be trying to cozy with a cuttlebone too?" Rasa teased.

Shepard gave her a scowl as an answer. Rasa gave a mocking laugh in return. "You know it's funny how that worked out to begin with. I guess that was my fault. At the time, Cerberus was desperate for faces she could trust."

 _How could anyone trust, or even look a face like that?_ Shepard kept that thought to herself.

"I wasn't entirely sure if it was him, but a C-Sec officer disappears off the face of the Citadel, and somehow Omega gains a vigilante criminal killer? Not that hard to put the pieces together when you have the right information."

Shepard scoffed. A pro-human group bringing in alien help. She almost had a laugh at the logic, but instead she tossed the datapad to the side and put her attention back on the field. "I'll go over the rest later."

She felt Rasa's stare on her back.

"What?" Shepard hissed as she adjusted her scope.

"You're lucky, you know that? All those people, those useless pile of names she had, made her lose focus."

"Then what was the point of me going over these? There's no way we could fool them that I'm her."

Rasa began to pace, her words pouring out louder with each step. She always had a flair for the dramatics, but it worked enough to keep Shepard listening, mostly anyway.

"To show that what we're doing here, that this isn't just for a handful of people. What we are doing here is something bigger than us all. For humanity's best interest, because she didn't."

Rasa paused in her steps but her voice to boomed in Shepard's ears. "The Reapers are coming, and humanity is going to need Commander Shepard if we want to see ourselves through this war."

As Rasa continued to rant, on thoughts of how the other Shepard sold out her own species, who'd proudly list of the names of ships of lost humans on the attack of the Citadel.

_Shenyang. Emden. Jakarta. Cairo. Seoul. Cape Town. Warsaw. Madrid._

And for what? To save the lives of those who would deny any help to her own species. As if remembering somehow brought them back.

It was just more lost human life. The other Shepard had spent more time-saving aliens than humans, while she had to live with the images of melting skin and the sound of screaming playing over and over again in her head.

Rasa pointed at Shepard, snapping her out of her thoughts. "But you, a blank slate, you don't have all that pain and baggage. And with that drive, we can save humanity from what's to come and from themselves."

"I understood that the first time you gave me that speech. I don't constantly need a sermon. I agree with you." Shepard turned her attention back to the targets.

"Then what are you going to do about it?"

She felt Rasa's stare on her back again as she lined up her rifle. She tracked the movements, rested her breath, and she pushed the images and fear down until they finally became muted. Shepard tucked back a smile with confidences as she looked down her scope.

Within seconds, several holes were drilled between the eyes of four targets. An asari, a krogan, a quarian, and a turian.

"That's better." Rasa cheered.

Of course, it was, because she was Commander Shepard.

 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Thank you for reading! Comments/critiques are very much welcomed! :)


	8. Edem- Silencing Poison

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Batarian who lost family on Aratoht takes vengeance into his own hands against Shepard.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Thank you so much to theherocomplex for betaing this chapter, it helped greatly! :)
> 
> And again, thank you sooo much BloomingCnidarains! The artwork you created is beautiful and I just love looking at. Thank you!

Edem Kodsoh’s life had been filled with a crushing silence by his work. The work of silence and fakery: how to makes something appear what it’s not, how to create words that festered in the public mind -- a poison that stayed subtle until it was too late. Everything from creating fake reports to lying about technology that could never exist in the hands of the Hegemony.

His family happily disrupted that silence with their cheerful singing, laughter, and a truth that they'd offered to him, although those times had been rare.

Edem had to travel off world too much and far too often, but at least he was able to provide a home for them on Aratoht. They couldn’t afford servants, but his family was free, and he meant to keep it that way. Even if he had to create more lies until he was dead.

His wife, Patia, was a proud and brilliant environmental engineer who could manipulate the landscapes and oceans for his people's benefit. The sweet, honeyed air he breathed was thanks to her.

She brought results that seemed almost fake as if it were just more propaganda to be spread to his people. But with his wife, he knew her to be true, something he couldn’t find in his work.

Why she was with him, he would tease her? He wanted to offer a life where she could just focus on her career, not worrying over chores or money.

And even with that, she gave him a daughter. Besine. She had shown through a darkness that he didn’t even know was there until she came into his life. He lived for her laughter from games they used to play. He’d blink one eye and then she’d mirror him with a giggle. Or how he’d tried to coach her through saying her name. Be-si-ne, Be-si-ne, he would repeat.

“Bezzz,” is what she used to sing back at him.

His little Bes, who used to scoop at the ground and build and play and pretend to be like her mother. It was her curious mind that asked and begged her mother to teach her more. She’d listen to her mother rattle on, she was so young, but it seemed like she could understand it more than him.

That was three months ago when he had a family and a purpose. That brilliance was gone. That curiosity was gone. His family was gone.

When he found out of the destruction of the Alpha Relay, his office became crushing and confining.

He didn’t believe it; he desperately searched for any excuse that they were still alive or that it wasn’t true. Maybe they had a chance to leave the system? To visit him on Khar’shan maybe? Patia had always said she wanted to see their homeworld, even if travel was highly restricted, maybe she got access.

He waited for their ship and occupied himself by searching fondly through old family photos and planned out activities. Maybe a picnic in the park? The one near his work, that he used to walk endlessly around on his breaks. Patia could point out all the different types of species of plants while Bes could pick them out and collect them.

But as the days went by and no shuttle ever came, Edem had to finally realize the truth. They weren’t coming. Those photos were the last thing he had of them.

[](http://imgur.com/Z1WqHyV)

For three weeks, Edem continued to work on Khar’san. He buried himself into his work and their lies until the news finally broke: The Alliance had one responsible for the destruction of Bahak in custody. And thus Edem began to plan, he was going to kill the monster who took his everything.

Every batarian knew Shepard’s face. She was known across the batarian worlds, a person that had taken too many families --proud, hard working civilians. If this planned worked out, all those worlds would chant his name in the streets as a hero.

But that didn’t matter to him; he wasn’t doing this for pride or to be remembered. He wanted to stare the monster in the eyes who had taken his family and make sure her slow and silencing death followed.

Everything he had saved up, it went to getting to Earth. Money saved up that was meant to go to classes for Bes, and gifts and plentiful food for Patia, it went to getting to Earth. He was smuggled to Omega, stuffed away in a compartment of a compartment. More confining walls.

His life before always had someone watching, eyes always following his movement. Luckily, cloaks were in ever growing supply on Omega’s market. Stealth systems that could go undetected for an hour, even more. His was supposedly Salarian.

Edem was undetected, unwatched for once. There was peace underneath that cloak, but there was a loneliness too. He shouldn’t have to be doing this; he should have been with them.

Why them and not him? Why not the woman who brought so much life into her work? Or the child who had so much potential, who wanted to learn and create just like her mother.

Edem had passed many of his own kind within the market, protesting, begging for the head of that savage on a stick.

He wanted nothing more than to join into the fervid mass of anger and scream along with them as he passed. But he needed to keep moving, every second need to go to getting to Earth. Every second she was allowed to take in air was an insult to his family's memory.

Edem hurried to buy his weapon of a choice. A gun could be detected, and to be honest, he hardly knew how to shot one. A knife worked with him more; he wanted to be close when it sunk the blade into the monster.

Edem swallowed as he watched the neon lights bounced off the blade, Patia hated violence, always saying there should be another way to solve one’s problems. But there wasn’t, this was the only way he could get back to her and Bes. She would have to understand.

The rest of his money went to getting plans into the base from an information broker. It was a steep price when the Shadow Broker wasn’t selling that kind of information. That didn’t matter; he would be with his family soon. Edem didn’t need the money.

Two weeks in, she went under Alliance guard. News of what was going on went quiet. The Alliance kept shut and away from its civilians. It reminded him of Khan'shan.

Edem now stood on Earth, Shepard’s own home planet, while his was more than dust.

He holed up with one of the gangs that he had met through his connection from Omega. He got to stay with them, and they didn’t ask questions.

Humans, they were an ugly bunch. They had too few eyes that were far too light like the stories of demons he’d use to scare Bes with. They were hairy and squishy, like a pyjak. Pyjak was the right word for her and the entire species, they swarmed and invaded like any other pest into the Terminus.

Edem watched and waited within the base. He was never close enough to her because he had to be careful, move in and out of the base undetected. There were too many countless times when he could have been caught.

He learned a lot when he was under that cloak; she wasn’t just some damn scapegoat, so at least he wasn’t wasting his time. He learned about her time stopping the "Collectors" and heard many rants on so-called machines called the "Reapers" that were trying to destroy all life in the galaxy.

A blazing anger built within over those three days. His family died because some damn Alliance soldier lost their mind. Weak, monster, or crazy, Edem didn’t care. He was still going through with this.

Edem followed her through the committees and her detention area. There was a guard, the main one who stay by vigilantly during the day and another at night, always blocking any entrance to her. She was hiding behind her own confined walls.

Except there was one time when she couldn’t hide, where a guard wouldn’t be at the door to stop him.

Shepard liked to run: an hour a day, always at the same time, with the same pace around the Alliance track.

He watched for three days before finally making his move. Pride swelled in his heart, three days among them and they never found him.

Edem unsheathed the knife, light from the Earth’s sun bounced off the blade and into his eyes, he ignored it and moved quickly. He would be with his family soon.

Edem’s life had been dictated by rule, to follow the word of his government. Every action in his job he did for them. This action of plunging a knife into the monster to see if she’d actually bleed would be for his family. And while the Hegemony called for Shepard’s head, her death would not be because of what he was told do, but because he wanted it.

But it went wrong so quickly. The knife should have plunged into her heart, but she moved too fast. It barely passed two inches into her shoulder. A shocked curse from her and screeching sound of metal upon metal were all he heard as dug it in. Orange light escaped from the wound; maybe she didn’t bleed after all.

Edem screamed as tried to drive the knife in. Biotics exploded from her skin and enveloped her. She grabbed him by the throat as her biotics shorted out his cloak. She pressed his back into the ground of the turf.

It was far too quick; he didn’t even get a chance to register that he barely got the knife in before he was on the ground. Pressure built up behind his eyes as air escaped from his throat. Edem could barely breathe, but she had to know their names before he died.  

“Patia Semmark! Besine Kodsoh!” His voice spat out their names in a rough tone. They deserved better than that.

The pressure fell as her hand loosened. Shepard titled her head to the left as she tried to look him in the eyes, not knowing where to focus. A harsh laugh escaped from him as she tried. She couldn’t even look him in the eyes correctly.

Flares of biotics died down and dissipated. Shepard clutched her shoulder as blood escaped out. She was giving up. Edem felt his heart sink at the realization.

“What are you waiting for? Kill me like you killed my family!” Every second away from them was torture. Why would she just do it already? He needed to be with them.

She spoke between bated words, almost like a Volus. “There was no other way, I tried to get them out, I-I’m sorry.” They were soft remorseful words. As if she actually believed it craziness of the Reapers that she spouted off about in committee meetings. But that didn’t matter to him, words, no matter how remorseful, wouldn’t bring them back.

“Coward,” he had yelled, spitting in her face as felt more arms and pressure tried to drag him away. He let out one last ragged scream as felt legs drag beneath the Earth. She should have killed him.

Her eyes watched him as he was dragged off, they were dark green surround by a wide white, and too damn ugly. He should have plucked them out of her skull when he had the chance.  
***  
Edem’s cell was quiet, apart from the occasional sneer that came from the human that brought him food. Solid concrete surrounded him with a small window letting into barely enough light to illuminate the room. He was deaf to the Earth outside those walls.  

The Alliance would make sure that he’d die in a cell before giving him over to the Hegemony. He would rot here between the walls. She should have killed him.

At least his family’s death was quick, he hoped and prayed for it to be true.   He’d never know if that was true if they were at least given a swift and painless death.

But Edem knew one final truth; he had a backup plan, Shepard's death would not be so swift. His knife had been more than just metal. It was coated in a poison; it’s antidote only reachable within batarian space. It was a silencing poison that would steal her air, just as she did to him.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Thank you for reading! Comments/critiques are very much appreciated.


	9. Vega-Wrong Decisions

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Vega thoughts on the aftermath of the attack on Shepard.

_Por el amor de Dios._

James was Shepard’s guard, a responsibility entrusted to him by Anderson. It was his job, his duty to keep her safe.

And of course, she got attacked on his watch. This kind of shit should just be expected in his life. When would he just be right for once? Wrong decisions always seemed to follow him.

The workout schedule should have been changed, and they should have taken different routes. But Shepard was ornery, stubborn on getting her run time at the exact same time, in the exact same place. It was just asking for trouble.

But even with all her stubbornness, she hadn’t gotten back to her normal schedule. Now she was just staying cooped up in her detention cell until the committees called for her.

It had been three days since the attack. The wound healed well, but Vega had noticed that Shepard had been a lot more sluggish and more winded with her words. Not something to expect from a good example of a marine.

She kept waving him off that she was fine, saying her bloodwork, scans, every test had come back fine, just listen to the doctors on this one.

A whistle caught his attention, cutting through his thoughts. It was weak, ragged and completely out of tune, but he was still able to recognize it; an old Alliance recruitment jingle, one that he was so used to hearing growing up.

“Hey, Vega?” Shepard just finally came out and started talking to him. The conversation between the two was little at best. But that didn’t mean she didn't try to pull words out of him.

“Yeah, Commander?”

“First off, stop calling me that, it’s annoying.” She breathed in quickly between sentences. “And second you look pretty lost in the head. We’ve been over this; he got the drop on me, but I’m fine. But are you alright?” It was always prying questions with her.

“A stab in the shoulder isn’t what I’d call fine.” She had shaken off the stabbing like it was nothing.

Shepard smirked at him as she answers. “Would you believe me if I said I’d been stabbed in almost the same place before?”

James let out a laugh; it caught him off guard. “You have a thing for being stabbed? Anything else I should worry about?”

“Fuck off.” Shepard coughed back a chuckle; James didn’t like the sound of that cough. “Nah, it was just some dumb kid stuff, I was doing a run for some Red Sand. The guy wasn’t willingly to pay and pulled a knife on me. I brilliantly thought to fight him.”

Shepard’s name carried a lot of weight in the Alliance. When he first enlisted, she had been named the Hero of the Elysium. Soon after he had found himself pouring over her public bio way too much after that. Learning that some kid also from the Pacific, who came from way worse streets than him was inspiring, to say the least.

A nickname wasn’t needed to remember her.

But with the person he’d imagined her to be, the name Shepard didn’t fit so well anymore. He had been kicking names around, maybe Lola. She was definitely tough enough to handle the name.

Not that she still wasn’t a damn hero, but within the past two months, he saw a lot more the human side of her. The anger, stubbornness, and the constant denial of health were eye opening. He was going to be dragging her to the clinic soon; he just needed her to give him an excuse.

“Ah, right, just normal kids stuff.”

Shepard replied with a wheezed cough. Her face paled as she tried to drag in a haggard, sharp breaths. That was it; there was definitely something wrong with her.

“That’s it; I’m taking you to the infirmary.”

He pulled at Shepard’s arm and out of her chair, she may have been a great example of marine to him, N7, a goddamn hero, but he was sure as not going to wait around watching her choke on her breath.

“Seriously? I’m fine, just tired.” She let out a protesting whine.

“Bullshit.”

“You're not supposed to talk to a superior officer like that,” she sarcastically wheezed out.

“You’re not. We’re going. That’s final.” James kept his words short and concise; it was the easiest way to the message across.

“At least you’ll admit it for once.”

James ignored the comment and pushed her towards the door. She may have been headstrong, but James decided to be a more stubborn son of a bitch.

He stayed quiet through most of the walk other than calling into the clinic to have a doc ready until they arrived at the stairs. Just seven flights up and he’d finally get her ass into doctor’s seat.

Shepard let out another sharp breath as they approached the stairs. “Can we, uh, take the elevator?”

He wanted to make a joke, but instead called the elevator. It took two minutes for it finally arrive. Damn Alliance elevators were notoriously slow.

James hit the location on for the clinic on the vidscreen while Shepard slumped back onto the elevator's wall. It took twenty seconds just to get the damn thing going. Amongst the twirling background music, Shepard broken the silence between them.

“So, uh what’s his name? The batarian, I mean.”

“I know as much as you,” James replied curtly.

Shepard scrunched her face up, obviously not happy with his answer. She continued to question him.

“His family, Patia Semmark and Besine Kodsoh?”

“What about them?”

Six more flights. The elevator jostled only throwing Shepard off her balance a little. Vega almost reached out to catch her, but she waved him off and went on speaking.

“They were on Aratoht when I-” Her voice cut off with a sigh as she rested her head back and closed her eyes. “Could you look into for me, please? I’d just like to know.”

“Sure thing, Commander.”

Her lips curved up as she spoke. “You’re an ass; you know that Vega?”

“Yeah, but a fine ass I must say.” Shepard let out a curt laugh to his answer. Four more flights.

The elevator continued to shake and moved them both out of place. James was able to hold still easily, but Shepard caught the railing and slumped back again. Her face grew pale by the minute and breath more shallow, yet she just kept talking to him.

Her voice was low and parched. “I could have done more, you know? I could have gotten there soon. He shouldn’t be sitting in a cell. He should have the chance to be with his family.” James turned to her, but she didn’t look at him. She kept on with her questions, though, it was always questions with her.

“Do you think I made the wrong decision?” Her words echoed his own that he had barely spoken a year ago. Vega wasn’t sure how to answer. Instead, he looked forward towards the vidscreen. Two more flights.

Sacrifice the few now to the save the many later on; that was the logical choice. Vega’s clenched his jaw. His men and colonists were lost because of that logic. He wondered if those lives weight on Shepard just as they did him.

Vega finally returns her question with his own. “Why do you care what I think?”

“You’ve been sitting in on this whole shitshow; you must have an opinion.”

“You made the best choice you could with your situation.” His words rang hollow.

The best choice didn’t help him sleep at night. The best choice at Fehl Prime didn’t even matter now, the Collectors were dead, the intel for their lives was useless.

“Ha, that’s what I keep telling myself, maybe one day I’ll believe it.”

Her answer surprised him. He wanted to ask so many questions, look for guidances, but it wasn’t his place. Instead, he just escorted her off the elevator and into the infirmary ward.

* * *

 

The docs said James had made the right call to get Shepard to the infirmary when he did.

Three hours after her arrival, Shepard’s heartline had gone flat. Only for a minute, but it was enough to scare the shit out of it, the staff had kicked him out after that. Within ten hours, they had her stabilized.

Although the medical staff came out looking more confused with more questions than answers. Within two hours she back awake, only complaining about pain, as if that was the most she had to worry about.

He didn’t understand any of it when the docs tried to explain other than it was most likely a poison that had gone undetected for their test. James tried not to yell at the doctors and just focus on the positive. The positive being that Shepard was alive breathing normally, and that she was pumped full with enough morphine to take down a Krogan.

“Hey, Veeeeeeega, come here!” James rolled his eyes as she sung. _Dios Mio._

James entered the room with Shepard hooked up to an unaccountable amount of machines beeping and whirling. An air mask dangled from Shepard’s face; she had lifted it off to speak.

“Would you believe.” She started, looking like she was concentrating on every word before she spoke. “If I said this wasn’t the first time I’ve been poisoned by a batarian?”

“Let me guess, just dumb kid stuff.”

“Oh, definitely.” She breathed in a laugh with the air mask jumbling. She grabbed at it as she spoke. “So, happy to be right?”

Another prying questions from her, but he was happy to answer this one. Another death on his hands wasn’t something he could take.

“You know it, Commander.”

Shepard scoffed and pressed the air mask to her nose with one hand and as used the other to flipped him off.

James smirked. Yeah, she was definitely a Lola.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Thank you for reading, comments/critiques are really appreciated! :)


	10. Ben-Constant Questions

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Perspective on Ben Branson, an ex-boyfriend of Shepard from their teenaged years.

There had been several times in Ben Branson’s life that he’d seen Shepard as a wreck of a human being.

The first, when they were teenagers, and he was still in puppy dog love with her, back when she was just Liv then.

It was under the supervision of his father; she had begged them to get clean off Red Sand. There was a lot vomiting, shaking, and lying to get out of her deal with herself.

She even punched him once when she tried to escape. They had to handcuff her to a bedpost after that. It wasn’t until her fourth and finally try did she truly get clean.

Even with how she acted, his father always had a soft spot for Shepard. He liked her better than most of Ben’s other girlfriends, even if she was a junkie at the time, and had no prospects in life. Always encouraging her with school, getting out of the Reds, and finally off Red Sand. His father had seen a potential most ignored. Himself include.

Ben had dumped her soon after the ordeal, as a broken nose tends to put a damper on a relationship, but it was mostly to spite his father.

Fortunately, they worked better as friends anyway after she sobered up. She was still someone who lived through that hellhole on tenth street with him. That damn street was something they’d have to carry their entire lives. They both joined the Alliance to get away from it. She did anyway; Ben just wanted to get away from his father.

His father the family doctor. They could have lived anywhere, but he wanted to help the neighborhood he was raised on. Where Ben had to live around those who would so much as stab him if he looked at them wrong. And for all his father’s hard work, the street only paid him by gunning him down in his clinic.

Ben ended up following in father’s footsteps in medicine. Although he would never put his children through such an experience as tenth street. They got the best home and schools an Alliance salary could buy.

Next was when he was two years into med school and long since they had broken up, and Shepard had gotten clean, Ben found her at the local bar down on tenth street. Spinning a six-year recovery chip between her fingers with her drink rested in her other hand. She was in town for her mother’s funeral.

“I’m not going end up like her.” It was the most coherent thing she had said that night as dragged her back to his dad’s place.

This time, Shepard wasn’t strung out or drunk, but recovering from a poisoning, coming down from enough morphine to take out an elcor.

With her medical datapad in hand, Ben looked over her file again. The poison used on her was unidentifiable. The labs weren’t even able to pick it up until they knew they were looking for it. It was nothing he or any of his colleagues had seen. An agent that caused sudden respiratory failure after days after exposure?

Biopsies showed it began to degrade the tissue of her lungs. Further testing showed it targeted the human lung specifically. Everyone that had contact with the base within the past week had to go through testing. Luckily, no other cases came up.

They kept her under supervision since she’d been stabilized, barely over three days had she made a recovery when anyone else would have been dead. Although the pain she in lungs was described as a “fuckload”.

The whole experience just raised more questions than answers, but the disappearing poison wasn’t even Ben’s main concern.

It was the readings of elevated Eezo levels in her blood. Higher than what was normal for a biotic, definitely too high for her own abilities. The signs pointed to usage of Red Sand.

Ben wouldn’t admit, just out of the sheer unprofessionalism and ethical concerns of it. But wasn’t really scheduled to be as her doctor. He made sure to switch rounds so he could see her. If she was using again, he needed to be there. Hopefully, there’d be less punching this time.

She was still hooked up to several monitors, with an oxygen tank nearby just in cause she had difficulty breathing again.

Shepard laughed as she saw him. “Son of a bitch, I want a real doctor!”

“Sorry you’re going to have make due,” He quipped back.

“Ass, fine. I want my doctor.” Shepard sighed and sunk into her bed, focusing on the far corner of the room. “Dr. Karin Chakwas, the most beautiful doctor in the galaxy.”

“I’m insulted I didn’t win.” Ben deadpanned.

“Good.” Was all he had got from her before she went back to staring at the corner.  
He checked over her vitals from what the nurse had noted. Ben when through the list of questions he needed to ask. Shepard responded with varying answer of “I’m fine.”

Maybe high on morphine wasn’t the best time to come by. But sober or not, he was going to figuring out what was going on with her.

“I wanted to go over something with you.” Ben started.

“Fire away.”

He tried to keep his voice level and non-accusatory. But it was hard to hold back the anger.

“I’m not really sure how to start this, so I’m just going to say it. You have elevated levels of Eezo in your blood.” Ben grounded back and paused.

All that work his father poured into her, and she just goes back to using? He wanted to ask what happen to that promise? That you weren’t going to end up like you mother? Instead, he asked, “Care to explain why?”

“It’s not what you think.” Shepard laughed in his face.

That caught him off guard, but he kept pushing. “Really, Olivia, if you’re using aga-”

“Good, Lord. It was one-time exposure to Minagen X3 like I said I’m fine. If you had check back in my medical report from my time with Cerberus, I’m sure Dr. Chakwas, my actual doctor, should have that noted in the file.”

Ben looked back at the at his datapad with her file. It was right there in plain English. In his anger, he just jumped right to conclusions.

Accidental high exposure to Minagen X3- known drug for biotic enhancing powers. The patient was kept in recovery for seven days after near fatal exposure.

“This is why I said I wanted a real doctor.” His anger was thrown back at him. “So is that why you’re here? To lecture me?”

“That and to see if you needed more morphine.” Ben hoped the humor would work to calm her down. It normally had when they were kids.

Shepard out of a laugh and even snorted, covering her mouth as she spoke. “Well, considered all forgiven then, you really know how to sweet talk a girl.”

“I’ll take that as yes then on upping the dosage?”

Shepard perked up from her bed while dramatically grabbing at her ribs. “Yes, please! My lungs feel like they’re on fire.”

Ben rushed through his assessment with her; He adjusted the setting on her IV and let the drug trickle out at a faster pace.

Shepard happily sighed and sunk back into her bed. “That’s better.”

Ben looked at his watch as he spoke, wanting to get out of the room to let her rest.

“Glad I can help, let the nurses know if you need anything, but I’ve got to go.”

Ben was well on the way to get out before Shepard grabbed his arm. The strength on her was almost frightening.

“Wait! Come on. If you’re going to accuse me of using, I least get to get some questions out of you. I’ve got loads of them.”

It was always questioned with her, even when they just kids, she always had prying questions for anyone who’d listen to her.

“Fine, but I’ve got limited answers and barely two minutes.”

“Alright, fine. First, have you talked to Alex or Charlotte about me? How are they?”

“I haven’t spoken to them in a while, and I haven’t told them anything. I can’t, so don’t ask me to.” Ben let off in a curt tone.

Both of her siblings had been trying to get information from him for the past week. They all really knew how to wear a person down with constant questions, a shared trait in their family it seemed.

“Why not with Alex then? He’s a doctor; you can talk about doctor stuff.”

“His opinion on eyes aren’t needed.” Ben had tried not judge other’s professions, but that fact that a profession that focused on unnecessarily cosmetic procedures like changing eye color was even connected to his was insulting.

Shepard threw her arms up; the IV moved rapidly as she laughed. “Useless, the both of you.”

“Is that all? I know this may come as a shock to you, but you’re not the center of the galaxy, and I have other patients I have to get to.”

“I’m insulted. I’m just trying to catch up. I’ve haven’t seen you in what a year?”

“Three.” Ben corrected.

“Shit right. Then I need to hurry. How’s Emma? Is she causing a havoc for you and Rachel?” She perked up in bed. Almost as if she was more lively on the drug. “Or your dad? How is the old bastard? Still toiling away in his clinic?“

Fuck. Of course, she was going to ask about him.

“Dad, uh, he passed away last year.” Ben’s words caught in his the throat.

If Ben were to tell her the truth, that the bastard Joshua had sent men to shake him down, only to leave him bleeding out on his own clinic floor. The report said it took hours until he finally went. There was no telling how she'd react, and Ben wasn’t willingly to risk it with her in such a state.

“Car accident.” He finally gulped back. He hated himself for going through with that lie.

Shepard’s eyes grew wide with shock as she stuttered through her words. “Oh, I’m, god, Ben. I’m so sorry.” She slumped back down into her bed, less lively now, but her questions kept coming.

“How are you holding up? I'm sorry I couldn't have been there." She paused, looking a little lost at what to say. "Fuck, I-I’ll have a visit when I get out of here. Does he have a grave site?

“Down on 14th street, and yeah he’d loved that.” At least that wasn’t a lie.

Her two minutes were up, but that didn’t seem like the right place to leave it. She deserved better from him anyway.

“Thank you, things have been difficult for everyone. But, uh, Emma starts Kindergarten soon. Rachel’s pretty excited for that, but I don’t know how I’m gonna handle it. I don’t want to see her grow up.”

“She’s five now, right?” Shepard's eyes drooped down to her IV. “She was just a toddler. Jesus, I’ve lost sooo much time.” Her words began to slur with the energy in her voice whining down. The morphine probably kicking it.

“I’m running out of time.” Her eyes focused back on the corner; her eyes strained to focus off in the distances.

Ben laughed a little and prodded at what she was saying.

“Running out of time for what? You worried about settling down? I don’t really see you going the maternal route.”

She let out a small chuckle. “No, that not it and I’ll have you know, I have an a-adopted krogan son. I even took him out to kill a thresher maw. You know, mom stuff.”

“Of course, that sounds like you. So a krogan son, huh? I would have expected something like an asari wife and daughter from you.”

“Fuck off, and I'll have you I have a turian boyfriend, not any asari wives or whatever.” She sighed, still concentrating on the corner. “Maybe, I don’t know; we weren’t exactly clear on how we left things, being under house arrest tends to put a damper on relationships.”

Ben laughed, that had definitely caught him off guard. “You’re serious?”

She turned to Ben and gave him a confused look. “What, a little weird?”

“Yeah, but if you’re happy, then so what?”

An interspecies relationship was actually pretty common, at least it seems so from a number of patients that asked him about it. Of course, asari and human were definitely the most common, but turian and human weren't even the weirdest ones he’s heard about throughout his career.

“Yeah, I am.”

“So what’s he like then?” She sunk into her pillow with a wide smile on face at the question.

“He’s funny, smart, and almost a good of a shot as me.” Shepard's smile soon quickly faded. “And I miss him like crazy.”

“Then why isn’t he here?”

Shepard blushed and looked like she was being to grow frustrated with his questions. “What happen to those two minutes? I didn’t realize this was grill your ex on her current relationships time.”

“You’re the one who brought it.” Ben laughed, at least she got to see how annoying all the constant questions were like.

She blew a raspberry at him. “You really want to know, why?”

“I’m asking aren’t I?”

“The Reapers.” She yawned as she said the name with her eyes closed. “I don’t care if you don’t believe me. But the Internal Affairs Committee is starting to listen, and he’s hopeful getting the Hierarchy to listen to him too. We need to getting moving on it; the galaxy is running out of time.”

“What are you talking about, is that why you destroyed that system?” The news had been constant to denounce her as crazy, but Ben never paid much attention to it. Too busy with work and his family.

She began to mumble her words; she was almost asleep. “You know that attack on the Citadel three years ago? That was just the beginning.”

“You mean geth then? Are they resurging?” Ben felt himself panic a bit. He hadn’t been the Citadel during the attack, but still the idea that Earth, his family, could also be in danger, made him feel powerless.

Her voice was almost too soft for Ben to hear. “Jesus, how much do they keep you all in the dark?” She laughed at him lightly before finally falling asleep. Ben felt a chill run down his back at that laugh.

After finishing up his with his paperwork, Ben left her room at a hurried pace to get to his next patient. He had expected to get some answers when came to check up on her, only to leave with more questions.

First being brought back from the dead, destroying an entire system, an unknown and untraceable poison, now Reapers? What hell was going on in this galaxy? And why hell did Shepard seem to be at the center of it?

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Thanks for reading, comments/critiques are very much appreciated!


	11. Liara-Useless Information

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Liara escaping from the grasps of Cerberus.

“Are you ready?”

Feron’s voice was distant to Liara. She couldn’t focus; it was now or never. She could not let Cerberus take the Shadow Broker base. That kind of information in those twisted hands, would only mean disaster.

They watched on the screen as a Cerberus cruiser made its way through the eternal storm of Hagalaz. The fact that the Illusive Man didn’t think she’d see him coming was insulting. Liara was going to make sure they knew how serious she was. She felt disgusted; they were just one of the many uncomfortable companies she kept within these past two and half years.

They were an organization she was so desperate to trust, just for anything if it meant getting Shepard back.

To bring back the woman who showed bravery in the face of certain death. The woman who Liara knew who could stop the Reaper threat. The woman who showed her kindness and genuine interested in her babblings of asari culture or her research. And even when Liara had mistaken that kindness for something more, she still tried to bring her comfort in Benezia’s death.

_“I didn’t have the best relationship with own my mother. I held onto a lot of anger for far too long with her after she passed.” Shepard paused, looking like she was concentration her. "Sorry, I'm making this about myself, but I have a point I want to make."_

_“It's fine Shepard; you don't need to try to comfort me. Benezia may not have been all of herself when she died, but the blame can only go to her, that's not going to change. The things she did, I can't forgive."_

Liara had meant every word of it then.

_“Liara, she's your mother, going about it like that is not healthy. Take it from me; my mother also wasn’t herself for a long time, and she wasn’t herself when she died. I blamed her for a lot when she was really just sick and needed help.”_

With a quick search after that conversation Liara had found an obituary. Her mother died from a drug overdose on Shepard’s twenty-third birthday. Shepard wasn't particularly happy with her when she went digging for that information.

_“Please, try to focus on the good times with Benezia, when she was herself. I know it can be hard, and I had very little to go on, but I try. I like to remember that she loved to sing. I wished I kept some of the records she made.”_

Liara held onto that idea. It helped bring her comfort over the years. She liked to remember when Benezia would read through all her history books with her. She had showered Liara with so many over her childhood while helping her sound out the big words, breaking them down, and encouragingly laughed as Liara failed to say them. But Benezia just kept on encouraging and reading to her aloud to her. Goddess, Liara missed her voice so much.

“Liara, we need to leave now.” Feron’s voice kept calling.

Liara looked over another screen that held a whole lifetime of achievements and tragedies of Shepard life. A dossier created by the former Shadow Broker. All full of secrets of her old letters, extranet searches, and more.

All that information at Liara's fingertip. But it wasn't her place to going prying, no matter how much she wanted to. If Shepard wanted her to know about, she’d more than willing to let Liara know.

Liara turned her attention to another screen with the last uploading files. On it was information that the former Shadow Broker found so useless, Liara had to go digging for them. The OSD filled with songs found on an old abandoned social media page of Shepard's mother. Liara would make sure it was passed to Shepard the next to she saw her. Goddess willing that would be soon.

Liara’s fingers passed over the keyboard one last time as she wiped the remaining drives with the OSD safely secured at her side.

“I’m ready. Let’s go.”

* * *

  
From the safety outside the storm, Liara and Feron watched as their ship crashed into the Cerberus cruiser. The ships sunk with electricity and flames towards Hagalaz’s horizon.

It was for the best. Being cooped up with all the data was bound to drive her mad as Shepard had said.

And it was almost so easy to let it go. That ship wasn’t her home. Her true home, where she felt most like herself, burned up over Alchera almost two and half years ago.

Liara stilled her breath and shut her eyes, remembering the feelings of flames on her skin and her tears that fell so easily as she watched the _Normandy_  fall towards the icy planet. She had felt so trapped and useless in that escape pod as she watched her home burn.  

Liara let go of her breath, but on this shuttle, she felt free and determined to move forward to where the information had pointed her to go. Towards Mars.

Fifty-three years of sorting, synthesizing and utilizing that information. All of her digging on the prothean, she was the one who the that connected the dots between their destruction and the Reapers. By the goddess, she would make sure to be at Shepard’s side to stop them.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Thank you for reading, comments/critiques are really appreciated! :)


	12. Charlotte-Namesake

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Charlotte's thoughts on the sudden return of her half-sister Shepard.

 

The vidscreen in Charlotte Walker’s home blared as she scurried around her living room. She picked up forgotten baby bottles, pacifiers, and little shoes that were thrown about the room. Her toppling thirteen-month-old, Livvy, followed in her footsteps with bare feet. A security camera placed in the corner of the ceiling tracked their movements.

She grabbed an extra pair of socks from the baby bag slung over her shoulder and struggled with her squirming baby. With all her might, Livvy fought against getting ready.

“Please Olivia, just work with me here.” Charlotte pleaded only to receive giggles and more squirms from her daughter. They needed to leave soon, or they’d be late for lunch with her brother and nephews.

Charlotte thought of what else she needed; they would be going to the Aroch district’s new aquarium after lunch, it would probably be chilly.

“Babe, could you get Livvy’s jacket, the one with the monkeys? She looks so cute in it. I think it’s in closet, maybe in her room?” Charlotte called to her wife, who was in the kitchen, toiling over dishes.

“The dancing pyjaks one? You got it!” Sarah sang as she hurried out of the kitchen. “Anything to make our baby extra cute, even though that’s not possible, my pumpkin’s already at max adorableness.” She continued as she went up the stairs towards their bedrooms.

Charlotte smiled to herself; she loved her wife’s chipper attitude and jokes at times. It helped to smooth over constant fretting that was so naturally to Charlotte.

The smile soon faded as she looked up and saw the cameras that monitored every second of her family’s day. An Alliance officer was surveilling their every movement on the other side of it.

Security had increased ten folds in the past four months; the Alliance won't tell her why, but news broke soon after of breach on the Vancouver base, where her sister was being kept. They still wouldn’t tell her if she was okay. God forbid Charlotte would lose her again.

The vidscreen continued to blare on with news reports of the Alliance and the Batarian government battling it out as Livvy battle the shoe onto her right foot. Charlotte was too distracted to notice Livvy had wormed her way out of it.

Every new organization projected the to the same images. A new empty part of the galaxy of exploding dust of violent purples and blues. With talking heads pointing the blame at Shepard as they called her. They only showed a woman in uniform with dark brown hair slicked back, steeled eyes, and burning scarrings across her face. Charlotte almost didn’t recognize her.

Shepard this, Shepard that. But she would always be Olivia to her.

None of it made sense to her, just that she wouldn’t be able to see sister anytime soon. It was not like she expected it. Until recently, her sister was gone to her; she had nothing left of Olivia other than the name her daughter carried.

And now with everything, Sarah wanted to change their daughter's name. Sarah wanted to minimize their connection with the name Shepard. With the woman who destroyed a colony of batarians, taking over three hundred thousand lives.

Frustratedly, Charlotte pulled up her omni-tool and turned off the screen. Livvy calmed and stopped fighting as she watched the orange glow of the tool. She eagerly patted her wrist, sighing to Charlotte that she wanted it. She gave her daughter a smile and small nod for no, not right now and finally got her shoes on. Her daughter’s excitement, however, did not calm her from her thoughts.

Charlotte never had ties to the Shepard name, neither did their brother, they all had different fathers.

Still, she had taken Sarah’s last name after marriage. The farther she got away from her father, the better. There was so much yelling and screaming during her childhood, while he never hit her, Olivia had unfortunately taken the brute of that anger.

By the time Charlotte was nine, Olivia had stopped coming home. Her father destroyed any remembrance of Olivia. 

Alex took over as her guardian by the time she was ten. While still not completely settled in his career in medicine, he took her in, but he was always so busy and always working. He tried his best, though. It still wasn’t a complete family; Olivia had been lost to them to the Reds. It was a lonely childhood.

If it wasn’t the Reds, then it the Alliance that finally stole her sister away. It took their mother’s fucking funeral for her to come back finally into their lives. But their relationship had got better after that. They talked more, sure she was on constant deployments, but vid calls and emails helped, for a short time they were a family again.

Olivia had even promised to be there for her wedding. Instead, Charlotte had to attend her funeral.

Charlotte absentminded stroked her hand through her daughter’s hair. Livvy tried and failed to snatch at the hologram with her mother’s distracted into her memories. A saved message sat on the interface of her omni-tool. Livvy continued to swat at the light. Charlotte sighed and pulled the message she already had memorized.

_Alex and Charlotte:_

_I’m not really sure how to start this. I’m going to assume you’ve both heard the rumors. That I’m alive._

_I haven’t been in hiding. I’ve been in something like a coma for the past two years. Things have happened quickly since I've woken up. It’s complicated, to say the least._

_I haven’t contacted because I thought that was best for both for you. I was obviously wrong. That shouldn’t be so surprising though right?_

_I know you are both use to my excuses by now. And I am sorry for all of this, for everything that I’ve put both of you through. I wish things could have been different._

_You’re probably going to be hearing a lot of things about me in the news soon. I can’t go into details over messaging._

_But please just know that I love both of you. Remember that, please._

_-Liv._

The heat rushed to her neck and face as she read it over again. Charlotte tried to hold back the anger at the words. She never liked the feeling; it reminded her too much of her father.

She huffed and tossed the omni-tool off. The glow of the tool disappeared as it landed at her feet. Livvy took use of her mother’s distraction and snatched the loss tool and ran. Well as much of run a baby could manage, Livvy fell to crawl to moved faster.

Within seconds, Charlotte cooled as she watched the baby struggle to move. She let out a large roaring laugh with arms raised high. “I’m going to get you!”

“Ahhhhhh!” Livvy screamed and giggled as she quickly crawled with the tool in hand from her mother.

Finally with the jacket in hand, Sarah galloped down the stairs, ready to play. She got on her knees with arms wide open and called to their daughter. “Sweetie, come to mama, I’ll save you!”

Livvy collapsed into Sarah, with a loud, happy scream and clutching tightly to the omni-tool.

“Crazy baby, crazy baby.” Sarah pecked kisses on their daughter in between her words. “Just like her auntie.” She joked in a high pitched voice.

The words pierced and screeched in Charlotte's ears. She felt the rush of blood again to her face and clenched back her teeth.

A datapad had laid out for a month after Olivia had been named the one responsible for the destruction of Bahak. A request document that waited for her signature to change Livvy’s name.

Charlotte had heard every argument as to why they should go through with it. That maybe it would be best. She’s only a few months old, now would be the best time. She could still have it as a middle name. It would be best to minimize our connection with her.

There would always be that connection to Olivia. To the girl who use to hid Charlotte from her father’s anger. The girl who used pretend like it was a game, an adventure to stay crouched within their damp apartments vents system and pretend that everything was okay just to keep Charlotte safe.

“That’s not funny,” Charlotte said, trying to keep her voice low.

Sarah gave her confused look between the kisses. “Oh, come on. It was just a joke.” Livvy laughed as her Sarah continued to play and dismissed Charlotte.

“It’s a joke to you!” Charlotte loudly snapped, she regretted shouting immediately as their daughter's laughter died down and looked at her with fear. Charlotte gulped backed and took a breath before speaking again.

“With every joke, there is a kernel of truth. You obviously think my sister is insane, why don’t you come out just say for once rather than hiding behind jokes?”

“And you don’t?”

Charlotte honestly didn’t know what she thought of it. She avoided answering it.

“That doesn’t matter. But you keep being passive aggressive about it. I said already no a thousand times over; I’m not changing our daughter’s name.”

“Oh, come on, I didn’t say anything about her name. I dropped that months ago.”

“You obviously haven’t, you haven’t even called her by her name since this whole thing started. It’s always sweetie or pumpkin or honey.” Charlotte's throat ached as she spoke, tears began to form, but she continued with a level voice. “I already have the whole galaxy reminding me of what my sister did, I don’t need that from you too.”

Sarah’s eye grew soft and cast them down their daughter. Livvy became oblivious to them and played on the omni-tool again, trying and failing to get the hologram to form.

Charlotte worked her toward them, keeping her voice level as she could. “Listen, I’m not up for this right now, I'm supposed to meet Alex, and we’re already late.”

Sarah handed Livvy and the jacket over wordlessly. Looking lost on how not to escalate anything to a fight. Charlotte snatched the coat from Sarah’s hands and took the omni-tool from Livvy, sliding it back around her wrist. She placed Livvy on the ground and threw the baby bag to the side to get her jacket on.

Livvy fought against Charlotte. She whined as she slapped at Charlotte’s wrist to get the omni-tool back. The little pyjaks look as if they were actually dancing as Livvy violently moved about.

Her wife looked on, pleading sorry in her eyes. A similar look she had given to Charlotte before when she stormed off over a dumb fight that she couldn’t even remember years ago. The geth had filled the Citadel right after that. They invaded her home, destroyed part of their apartment, and hurt Sarah in the process.

She ended up the hospital, with cuts, scrapes and bruises during the attack. She could have the lost the woman that she loved. A woman who held and got her through sister’s death when cried and collapsed. The love of Charlotte's life who saw her at weakest and kept her going. 

Charlotte had made a vow to herself never to run off angry as who knows what could happen. They didn’t see the geth attack coming, what was to stop something similar from happening again?

Charlotte exhaled forcefully to push out the anger and calmed herself, although that was a difficult stay at peace with the fussing baby.

“Olivia, stop it.” Charlotte tried to sound stern, but the baby continued to struggle. Charlotte turned to her wife and gave her small smile. “You know, she’s making this really difficult for me storm off on you.”

Sarah grabbed the baby bag and pulled out a pacifier. “She’s trying to give me enough time to work my charms,” Sarah muttered as she popped the pacifier into Livvy’s mouth.

The baby calmed as she sucked on the pacifier quickly. Her tears ceased to flow and allowed Charlotte to finish getting the coat on. She picked up Livvy and placed her on her hip

“Spoke too soon, can’t believe that actually worked for once,” Sarah cooed and looked over to her with a lost look in her eyes. “Listen, I haven’t been handling this well. I know I’ve been acting like an ass on this and, shit, I don’t want you feeling that way. I’m sorry.”

Charlotte muttered a laugh as her wife looked at her helplessly. “Yes very much, you are an ass.”

“But you love me.” Sarah perked up with a smile.

“Well, where else would I get free babysitting from?”

“Oh, is that all I’m good for?” Sarah move towards them wrapped her arms around her waist, pulling them into a hug.

“Other things too.” Charlotte pressed her forehead to her wife’s. “I love you, but I’m still annoyed, we’ll talk later.”

“Got to keep me on the hook, don’t you?”

“Don’t push yourself.” Charlotte pecked a kiss on her lips.

“Alright, alright, go have fun with your brother before I make it worse.”

Sarah bent down and kissed the top of their daughter’s head.

“Bye bye, Olivia, Mama loves you.” Charlotte's heart leaped when she heard her actually call their daughter by full name for once. She mouthed a thank you as she left out the door. Livvy stretched out her hand and waved to Sarah. “Byyyye,” Livvy called out just before the door closed.

Out of the apartment, the vast sky of the Citadel and constant afternoon sky Charlotte brushed her daughter’s hair from her face. A deep dark brown, just like her sister’s, just like their mother’s. She pressed her face into her daughter scalp, just trying to breathe and move forward.

Another security camera tracked her as she left the apartment. She looked up, watching it move with her. Every single day, it was a constant reminder, something that always so close to her setting her off and letting anger boil over. Charlotte didn’t want that for her family; she had enough of it to fill a lifetime as a child.

 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Thank you for reading, comments/critiques are very much appreciated!


	13. Tali- The Admiral's Daughter

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Tali's struggles with the sudden responsibility of admiralty.

The noises of the Neema’s brought little comfort to Tali.  The whining of its engine, the arguments with the admiralty board, just the never ending crowd of people had been constant since she arrived back to the fleet.  

She couldn’t believe, but she actually missed the silence of the _Normandy_. At least that let her think in peace.   Tali sighed and rested her head back into her office chair.   _Bosh’tets._  

The Galaxy had lost contact with batarian space, and all the admiralty board was clamoring about was to prepare to take back Rannoch.  Xen’s tech, her father’s work, was far too much to pass up on an invasion. Their homeworld was within reach, right as the Reapers seemed to barge down on the galaxy.  

Having her mask off, her feet in the ocean’s sand, to be actual to smell the air rather than be in a constantly confining suit, it didn’t seem worth it if seventeen million lives were riding on the decision.

But the admiralty board was already taking action, even though she wanted to fight against the others with Koris, but she had barely just taken her father place, and public disagreement could divide the fleet.  She was just the Admiral's daughter to them.  Would they even listen?

And as much as she wanted to see her homeworld, all Tali could think of was Shepard, stuck on Earth and even through all her yelling and screaming at the board, she urged them not to go to war.  

Tali took this damn position because of Shepard, and she couldn’t even follow through with what Shepard had asked for. Frustratingly, Tali drew in the stale recycled air of the Neema.  

Maybe there was a chance for peace with the geth.  Shepard had put so much faith into it, Legion, Tali quickly corrected herself. If she had Shepard here, maybe she could yell some sense into them. If Tali even tried that, they’d probably see right through her bluff, that she had no clue what she was doing.  

A message popped on her omni-tool, which Tali immediately opened, looking for any distraction from her thoughts.  

_GV: So is it Admiral Tali'Zorah vas Neema yet?_

_GV: Or is it still vas Normandy? I could never keep quarian names straight._

Tali laughed, she hadn’t heard from Garrus in weeks and of course, this is when he’d finally get back to her.  

_TZ: Neema and I took the Admiral position a while ago, keep up Vakarian._

_GV: Before or after every quarian on their pilgrimage all suddenly decided to pack up and head back to the fleet.  Let me guess, geth?_

_TZ: Before, and I can’t go into that.  How’s the “Task Force?”_

_GV: I’m still going to go with geth as the answer._

_GV: Oh, wonderful.  It’s not like I’ve been dealing with the pathetic amount of resources they throw at me.  Only now that contact with the Hegemony has gone silent that the Hierarchy is scrambling and finally throwing money our way.  Just loads of fun._

_TZ:  Have you been able to contact her?_

He took longer to respond than before on that one.  Tali just wanted some get her advice or least just have a conversation that wasn't about the about bustling defensive, upgrading codes, or one of the many other of her responsibilities.  

_GV: What do you think?_

_TZ: Sorry, I just hoping she had, I don’t know, figure some way to get a message out.  How do you think she’s handling it?_

_GV: Probably with a lot of yelling and cursing, you know the usual._

Tali laughed, The fleet had just been filled with infighting and meeting after meeting.  She missed her friends and just being able to joke and talk and make fun of Shepard's dancing with Garrus, or the endless questions from Shepard, or discussing shotgun models with Wrex.  

_TZ: It’s worked well for her so far._

_GV: For the most part, not something that helps when she’s driving._

_TZ: Keelah, don’t ever remind me of the Hammerhead, I’m can still hear those panicked alarm system going off in my head._

_GV: How could you forget about the Mako? Remember that time it was on fire and fell off a cliff because she thought that was the best way to get away from that Thresher Maw? That was a fun one._

_TZ: You’re not helping._

_GV: You also really missed out on the taxi ride with Liara._

_TZ: Liara told me about, why did either of you let her drive again?_

_GV: Liara was rushing and evidently by the amounts of times I’ve taken the backseat with Shepard I have a death wish._

_TZ: Who doesn’t around her?_

Several minutes went by without a response, it was getting close to her meeting, she tried not think about that.   Tali was about to close her omni tool before another message popped up.  

_GV: Sorry, as much as I love to complain about Shepard’s driving, things just started moving fast here.  I need to go._

_TZ: The demands of responsibility? It seems like we’re actually being taken seriously for once._

_GV: For you maybe, but for me? Never._

_GV: Talk to you later._

_GV-Signed out._  

Tali closed her omni-too and sighed.   She missed the _Normandy_ , when tinkering with the ship's engines systems was the most responsibility she had and hunting down Saren and geth were the worst of her worries.

Another message buzzed on her omni-tool, signaling it was time to head to the meeting.   _Keelah_ , she could already envision where the bickering was going to go, which was nowhere.  

Tali had to keep reminding herself why she took this position.  She was doing this for Shepard.  

It’s what she would have done, to take the opportunity and use it as chance make things better.  Because soon, it was going to be more than just seventeen million lives on the line.

Her hands rubbed on her mask in frustration, trying to calm herself down.  There was no way she was qualified for this, but at least for now she could push back against the more idiotic ideas, like arming civilian ships with cannons.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Thank you for reading, comments/critiques are very much appreciated!


	14. Anna-The Voices

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> The perspective of a citizen as the Reaper's take Vancouver.

Anna wanted to run as she felt a piercing stab through her stomach. She saw a pointed metal spike covered in her blood, but the pain did not register in her mind.

Anna’s arm ached as her brother's hands tried to remain tightly upon her wrist. Nails dug into flesh as she was driven up. While suspended towards the sky, she could no longer hear her brother's cries. Dark figures cut through the clouds of Vancouver as every one of her nerves and neurons began to fire off. Adrenaline surged through her veins. A metallic odor filled her soul. Her world was gone.

But a new world began. Her mind became wider, allowing demanding voices and noises to pour in. It pushed out any understanding of words or sounds that it didn't command. The meaning of her brother's cries was lost upon her as she descended back down towards the Earth.

The voices screamed.

_Run!_

And so Anna did. She finally got her wish. Her feet pounded against the streets that used to be familiar to her, searching for a target.

The voices pointed one to her. They called to her and directed her to fight. It tried to run, but she was faster.

_Attack!_

Anna dug and clawed into her target. It yelled at her, but she couldn’t hear it over the screams that drowned out her thoughts.

_Bite!_

Anna sunk her teeth into the target's neck. Blood soaked her vision as she torn through its skin.

_Smash!_

Anna pounded her target’s head into the ground until it stopped moving. The voices sent a rewarding pleasant surge throughout her body for the deed. 

But it was not right. She wanted the overpowering buzz to end. To stop the screams that stifled her.

Anna screamed against the voices. Her scream drowned its sounds and brought a quiet hum to her mind. But the voices roared back in, with a ten-fold of strength and demanded her to keep moving.

_More!_

When would it be enough? She wanted to stop, but the voices continued to overpower her. She tried to scream to block it again, but all she could do was run, attack, bite, and smash.

The pleasant surge grew with each kill. She still tried to fight against it, but it pulled her. Her mind was not her own.

Ten targets had already been taken out once she found herself upon an ascending structure.

The voices found her a new goal. It’s howl directed her towards it.

_Climb!_

Anna continued to scale the structure until she found what the voices wanted.

They screeched when she spotted the target.

_Destroy!_

Anna did as the voices commanded and bit down into her target's neck. But she couldn’t get through its skin. Its blood did not wash over her sight like the others.

“Son of a bitch!” The target's voice cut through, but the words were meaningless to her.

“Shepard!” Another voice called out. More meaningless words that the voices said to ignore.

_Kill!_

Anna grabbed for the targets head, but it knocked her to the side. Anna felt the familiar piercing into her skull. The voices finally stopped.

Anna slumped to the ground. She didn’t need to run, not that she could. But it felt good just to stay in one place and lie down.

The last thing Anna saw was her target looking over her. Its voice was like silk on her mind.

Smooth, calm, and freeing. The voice brought comfort into her last moments.

"Poor bastard."

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Thank you for reading, comments and critiques are very much appreciated! :)


	15. Edem- Honeyed Air

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Edem's last day on Earth

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Thank you again so much to theherocomplex for betating this chapter! :D

Sunlight fell from the cell window onto Edem’s face. It meant another day where Shepard was still alive, still breathing, still within a mile’s distance. Another fucking day within the Alliance’s confining walls, and another day he could not join his family.  

Shepard should have died on that field.  

Four months on this wretched and polluted planet, the Earth offered no hospitality to Edem, maybe that would explain what Shepard was, a product of this cesspool.

Stale air filled Edem’s cell. All he wanted was one last chance to have the honeyed air of Aratoht fill his lungs again.  It was Patia’s work, after all.  He wanted to see her eyes shine as she explained her work.  He wished to hear her speak those words again.  

Instead, Edem watched the light from his narrow window until it hit his legs.

Breakfast should have arrived by now. His stomach ached.  Sometimes he’d pretend it was cooking from back home, like what his mother used to make, but the nutrition paste always tasted flat, unable to inspire the true memory.  

The sunlight continued to his feet.  The Alliance were idiots, but they weren't cruel enough to starve a prisoner, as his government.  Unless they had no reason to keep him alive or thought they could get away with his death.  Did the Hegemony even know he was here?

Edem shook the thought from his head. It didn’t matter if they cared enough or not.  But out of curiosity, Edem got up and pounded on the door.  When no guard responded, he pressed his ear to the door.  

His actions were returned with silence; it was foolish to think that would work, these cells were sound proofed.

Before he could lay down back onto the cot, his cell darkened. Yellow and red flashed through the window's bars.  

Edem climbed onto the cot to see out the window; his hands lightly pressed to the cold glass.  A chill ran through his skull and down his spine as he watched the scene unfolded before him.  

Metal creatures, larger than any building the batarian world’s offered descended from the sky. A confining darkness crossed the Alliance base.  He watched soldiers run, only to be dematerialized before his very eyes by the angry red light.  He watched ships destroyed before they have a chance to move.  All of the Earth was silent from his cell.  

“So, the coward was right after all.”

Edem laughed, a good, hard, long one, with tears forming in his lower eyes. His throat grew dry through the fits.

His laughter was cut off as the angry red light intensified and crashed through his walls.  The blast trapped him between slabs of concrete with a steel girder piercing his spine. The pain radiated out from his lower back.    He couldn't feel his legs.  

His blood pooled and softened the dirt underneath him.  He let out a sob as he dug his fingers into the ground. He tried to claw his way out, only to struggle as the girder kept him in place. The Earth in his mouth tasted like smog and iron; he tried to spit it out, but it wouldn’t leave.  

Edem rapidly blinked his eyes; all still intact and able to watch the Earth’s sky as it filled with fire.  Maybe Shepard had spared his family from this.  He still prayed that they had had a quick death.  His breath was ragged and tried to pull for more air.  

He waited so long for the final breath to come.  Only to muttering out his family’s names for hours as the Earth fell into deeper chaos. Their names sung on his tongue.   _Patia, Bes, Pat, Bes._   He just wanted to see them again.  

  
Edem gasped for one last bit of air with their names on his breath.  It tasted like honey.


	16. Garrus-Token Resources

_Confirmation: Contact with the Sol system has been lost._

The rest of the report went unread as Garrus heaved the datapad across the room. It smashed against the wall. It's holo fizzled out as it fell to the floor of his cabin.

_Crap._

He smoothed his hand over his fringe in frustration as he walked across the room to pick it back up. Now was not the time for taking his anger out on inanimate objects. Definitely, if resources were going to be strained soon.

Garrus reset the datapad, and the hologram popped up back to life. Three hours ago it was delivered and only now did he get a chance to look over it. Three hours and Shepard was still on Earth. If he knew her well enough, then she'd stay for the fight, with him not at her side.

Garrus tapped his talons on the datapad. And the fight would be coming to Palaven soon enough. He had to concentrate on the next plan of action, not on just her.

Defensive had been set up as best he could manage on Nanus. The atmosphere was too thin; it hardly had enough air to make a reliable base. The fact that he had to suit up with a helmet every time he went outside was annoying enough.

But he wanted to check in on operations of setting up a backup base. Garrus and the task force had planned to head back to Menae within the day to assist with setting up the flak for anything the Reapers send at Palaven. He still had two more hours before his shuttle left and nothing to do but look over reports.

Datapad read: _For_ _Expert Reaper Advisor Vakarian._ Garrus had to stifle a laugh when first got the title. What exactly could he advise them on? Shoot at it until it stops moving? That had worked when it was just one, and the Citadel could barely even handle that. What would they do with hundreds, possibly thousands of those things?

The constant questions weren't going to lead to any good. Garrus stilled his thoughts and focused on his breath, the cabin's air was stale. He missed the  _Normandy's,_  at least there the oxygen was recycled properly.

_Shepard's breath on his neck, she let out a nervous laugh. "You ready?"_

_Her hands took his and guided him off the couch and led him to her bed._

Garrus rubbed at his brow plate. _Focus Vakarian._

Lines of communication had been hardened, stockpiles blustered, and early warning detection protocols were improved.

And that was it. Six months and that was best the Hierarchy would give him, even then he had to push for those. And only half of those resources didn't even start coming until the galaxy lost contact with batarian space.

This wasn't going to be enough; they weren't going to be ready, not by anything close.

Garrus flicked his mandibles in annoyance and tried not throw the poor datapad again. He just needed to get out of the cabin and keep himself busy rather than thinking. Maybe bury himself in one of the main defenses guns until the shuttle was ready.

He grabbed his helmet and shoved it on. The atmosphere was thin enough that if he didn't keep his helmet on, it would rip the oxygen right from his lungs. He really needed to get the hell back on Menae.

The cabin door depressurized and whirled open; the remaining air hurried out behind him as walked onto Nanus' surface.

_"The last thing I remembered was my lungs feeling like they were on fire. Turns out they ruptured from me trying to hold onto to my last bit of air. That probably wasn't the worst of it. Supposedly, I ended up looking like meat and tubes, got to thank Jacob for that info."_

Garrus didn't know how that conversation had come up, but Shepard had gone into great detail on her death. He should have stopped listening when she first brought it up because he definitely did not need that mental image. He forced his eyes forward and tried not to think of it.

Garrus made his way to the AA gun. Behind them, Palaven was rising off on Nanus' horizon. Billions of lives at stake down there and all Garrus' mind kept going back to was just one damn human.

Garrus turned his attention away from the horizon, and he looked East. Sol's star was dim, but if he focused just enough, he could make it out from the billions in Nanus' sky.

_Dammit Shepard, keep your promise and stay alive._

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Thank again for reading! Comments/critiques are very much appreciated. :D


	17. Shepard-Reinstated

Dog tags wrapped forcefully around Shepard’s fingers. The chain felt cold against her skin as the Earth roared up at her.

“Consider yourself reinstated, Commander.” Anderson words were almost lost onto Shepard as he yelled. The _Normandy_ deafen everything around it. The back of her skull still pounded from the first inflicted wound of this war, of her head being sent straight into a wall by a Reaper's blast.   She tried to ignore it and focus on his words, but questions just kept pouring into her mind.  

Would this be the last time she’d see Earth? How many people did she know down there? How many of them would live to see the end of this? Would there be an end? 

It wasn’t her home, this ship beneath her feet was, those six months she wanted nothing more to get off that planet. But not like this.

She watched Anderson, explaining how he had to stay, she yelled, cursed, argued. But the _Normandy_ still pulled away from Earth without him. No matter what, Shepard was coming back for him.

Shepard gripped her tags in her fist; the lettering left an indentation in her palm.

Three fucking years. The Alliance and the Council had almost three years to stop this from happening. And now what? Go beg the Council for help? She let out a sharp laugh at the thought. If she just had those two years, Shepard could have stopped this from happening.

A bitter taste filled her mouth. Three hundred thousand batarian lives snuffed out to delay this. And for what? Was she any further, any closer to stopping the Reapers? The pain throbbed, spreading up and over her scalp. Her free hand palmed and rubbed her face, just trying to block out the questions. She didn’t have the answers; hopeful Mars would.

The _Normandy’s_ fresh air cut through her skin as she stood in the cargo bay, Shepard felt naked without armor. Kaidan and Vega talked around her trying to get her attention, but she marched past them towards the armory with her tags still clenched in her fist.

 _Commander Shepard_. She ran her fingers over her name. The metal caught her skin as thoughts of all the times she had traced the names of all those other dog tags she had picked up in her life. From her fallen friends on Elysium, countless operation through the Terminus, on Eden Prime, and on Alchera.

Shepard had searched for her’s for hours, desperately digging through Alchera’s snow, just trying to find herself in it. She couldn’t feel her fingers for hours after she had returned to the _Normandy._

She thought they had been lost forever, only to have Liara gift them back to over months later. How many times have these changed hands? They always seemed to find a way back to her.

The tags clanked against the metal table as she carefully placed them down. Her BDUs followed as she rushed her under armor on. She inspected the spare armor, looking over every nook and cranny. The helmet laid to the side while Shepard checked the shields on the chest piece and ammo storage in the greaves.  Her hands dragged down the red stripe of the gauntlet; it had been far too long since she’d worn these.

Shepard sighed quickly and grabbed the tags.  She let them drag down her neck; they fell towards her chest as felt her heart nervously bloom.  

_The warmth of Garrus' hand on her cheek after he placed her dog tags around her neck._

_The way he looked at her had sent a shiver down her spine._

_When would she ever see a look like that again?_

She thought about him a lot. Dumb, naive, hopeful thoughts over those six months. The Reapers will be hitting Palaven soon; there was no doubt in her mind about that. Taking out the military strength of the galaxy early in the fight, it made sense; it would be a wise strategy.

“You better stick to our deal and stay the fuck alive you cocky bastard.” She hurled the words out into the air and heaved in a ragged sob.

Goddammit, did she hated how that sounded, it was pathetic. She didn’t want to think of him; she couldn’t, not know; she needed to focus. Trillions of lives are at stake; she couldn’t just be thinking about one damn turian.

Her head still throbbed, she tried to rub the pain and thoughts away. Shepard kept moving forward with putting on her gear, while keeping her breath level, she tried not to think of him and push down the question.  Would she ever get to see him again? 

Shepard rolled her shoulders as she places on the gauntlets and pads. She shifted and moved her legs to make sure the greave plating didn’t interfere with her movement. The chest plate locked into place, with her tags underneath. The dog tags pressed into her chest with her heart beating into the metal.

They were heavy around Shepard’s neck, but it felt right.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> The end! Thank you for reading this far. I hope you enjoy the story! Critiques are really appreciated so I can improve my writing.
> 
> Thank you! :)


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